


Adaptation

by shishooter



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa Zero, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Aromantic Character, Body Swap, M/M, Masturbation, Medical, Oral Sex, Pre-DR0, Trans Character, Vaginal Sex, body switch, soul switching au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-09 14:39:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3253475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shishooter/pseuds/shishooter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagito Komaeda had accepted the inevitability of his death as the goal of his luck cycle, and with less than a year to live, he planned on silence and near-solitude for the remainder of his life. When he's introduced to the quiet reserve course student Hajime Hinata, Komaeda gets a second chance at life at the other boy's expense.<br/>Mature rating for later themes. </p><p>AU fic based on the idea that soulmates permanently switch bodies upon meeting for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tragedy

He’s resigned himself to the luck cycle. Good, bad, greater good, greater bad. It’s unending, and now he sees, much more powerful than he is. It was a joke to think he could ever control it, and he understands it now.

Nagito Komaeda’s life is doomed to be one tragedy after another.

Usually he’s okay with that. No alternative, and he finds himself less and less able to care as the days go on. He’s one short tragic page in some massive library of the world, and he’ll be forgotten soon. This is okay.

Hands shaking slightly, he pulls out a sketchbook, leaning himself on the pillows behind him. It’s sunny outside today and part of him wants to go outside, but his friend isn’t here and he really can’t work up the energy to wheel himself around. He could go online, but Komaeda often feels like he’s drowning amongst the millions of voices online. It’s noisy and uninformed, and he feels invisible.

Though he’s fine with being invisible, he’d rather be invisible alone rather than surrounded by others, all talking over each other. He’s interacted in person with only a handful of people in person over the past year, and usually Komaeda can make himself think he prefers it this way.

There are a few people on Earth right now that Komaeda knows could be his “soulmate,” someone infinitely compatible with him. Within the past fifty years or so, a strange and worldwide phenomenon emerged- when a pair of these “soulmates” meet, they suddenly and permanently switched bodies. So far nothing has been shown to reverse the switch, but meeting another soulmate will trigger a second switch.

Honestly, Komaeda doesn’t think about this much. It doesn’t even happen for a lot of people, like his now-deceased parents. It’s not a requirement for marriage and only about 40% of marriages are between soulmates.

There’s also the small issue of Komaeda dying. Given his luck, he’d probably find his soulmate in someone dying even faster and more painfully than him. He doesn’t need anyone else in his life, and he doesn’t want anyone coming between him and his comfortable idea of death. Once he’s accepted something like this, he doesn’t want anything to change. This is what he can handle

Anything changing, he thinks, would upset the fragile balance of his life. In some strange way, switching before he dies would be one more win for the luck cycle, like letting it have the final word, and he can’t let that happen.

He also could consider the impact switching bodies would have on his soulmate, but Komaeda doesn’t really care. He finds it difficult to care about people he’s never met in theoretical situations, but also real people, even people he knows. The sense of apathy pervades almost every aspect of his life and he can’t even bring himself to care about that.

Considering this, Komaeda leans back, sketchbook in his hands. Today is a good day, he feels mentally up for drawing. It’s also a bad day because his lymphoma is worse, but of course it would require more luck to have both diseases feeling better in the same day. He’s dying of lymphoma, but thanks to the persisting luck cycle, developed frontotemporal dementia concurrently. The confusion and apathy are symptoms of the latter, while the lymphoma primarily affects his fatigue and breathing. Komaeda was given a year to live, three months ago.

He sighs, itching the arm his IV is hooked up to, pumping his increasingly frail body full of medications he knows won’t cure him. It’s the ultimate goal of the luck cycle and life itself- to kill him. He’s figured this all out.

Komaeda opens his sketchbook, flipping through pages and pages of drawings. Most of them are the logo of his old school- he’s not entirely sure why he keeps drawing it, but something about the shapes in the logo make sense to him. He hasn’t been to school in a year, but it meant everything to him to get accepted. It meant the world to him to get to go and he missed the school for a while. Now he doesn’t care.

Still he keeps compulsively drawing the logo, the black and white contrast seared into his memory like no other symbol.

Halfway through scratching another logo into the paper, his cell phone rings. Default tone, he never felt like changing it. Komaeda ignores it the first three times it rings, but that’s the norm and the caller clearly understand that, because they call again and he picks up on the fourth ring, not bothering to check the caller ID.

“Hi.” she speaks first, understanding that Komaeda is rarely one to answer the phone properly. “When can I come over?”

“Today isn’t a good day for you to come over.” he exhales, switching the phone to his other hand so he can keep drawing with his dominant left hand.

There’s a pause on the other end, Nanami weighing her words. “That’s too bad, but I’m going to come over anyway. Are there any friends from school you want to come over too? And do you want me to bring you anything?”

Komaeda would get angry, but can’t really find it in himself to get mad about this. Chiaki Nanami is the only friend left from his school life, and he only has her because she’s gentle, endlessly patient. He’s been awful to her countless times, and only remembers to apologize some of those times. She’s a much better person than he could ask for.

“Thank you.” he says, pushing the phone away to cough, his lungs suddenly rebelling against him. “Can you bring gummy bears?”

He can almost hear the smile in her voice. “Sure. Just regular ones, right?”

“Yeah.” he sets down his pencil, switching the phone again to his left hand. “That’d be nice. Still have my credit card?”

“Of cour-” she starts, before getting interrupted by an excited voice in the background. Komaeda strains to listen, but can’t make out any of it.

“Sorry, that was my- boyfriend.” Nanami says after a moment.

Komaeda can’t feel any underlying emotion in her voice. “You’re aromantic still, right?”

“Yes. It’s complicated and I’ll explain later.” she sighs. “He wants to come too, meet my best friend. Is that okay with you?”

He itches his IV arm again, wishing the need to itch would go away entirely. “He’s not- switched yet?”

Nanami laughs. “I’ve actually never met someone more straight than Hinata. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“Sure, sure. You’re just lucky you’re immune to all this.” Komaeda grumbles, not looking forward to meeting someone new, much less aro Nanami’s extremely straight boyfriend. How did she even get a boyfriend? And why?

“Yeah, I am.” she breathes, voice slow and happy on the other end. “We’ll be over in an hour, after school gets out?”

Komaeda nods slightly before remembering he’s on the phone. “Okay.”

“Talk to you soon, Komaeda.” she says, before the line goes dead.

He tosses the phone aside, it barely landing on his nightstand. One hand reaches to set the pencil safely on the nightstand, while the other hand calls over his nurse with the handy call button.

Komaeda barely manages to set aside his sketchbook before the nurse is in. It’s that girl Tsumiki again, and he remembers it’s her shift today. He doesn’t really like the nervous girl, she’s far too easy to manipulate and it’s not interesting for him at all.

“G-good morning.” she stammers, taking a moment to check the IV bag and the small monitor beside his bed. Komaeda says nothing, merely watches her while she records the information, then turns to him.

“I have guests coming over in an hour.” he says flatly.

She nods slightly. “Time for a sponge bath, then?”

Komaeda dips his head slightly, suddenly much more tired than before. “That’d be- nice.”

Tsumiki smiles slightly, then turns to get everything prepared. In her absence, Komaeda can do little more than let himself simmer in self hatred, angry that he can do nothing by himself. While he admires Tsumiki’s abilities and status as a student at Hope’s Peak, he gets mad at himself every time they interact. Maybe it has something to do with how reactive Tsumiki is, how she never lets his social mistakes go unnoticed. Nanami rarely notices Komaeda’s mistakes and almost never comments on them.

After he’s clean, Komaeda lies on his bed in exhausted silence, occasionally scratching his still-itchy arm. Tsumiki helpfully points out that itchiness is a symptom of lymphoma, and Komaeda reacts poorly, to say the least.

After Tsumiki leaves, though, his anger turns inwards into this wordless attack, this overwhelming sense of worthlessness. He only hurts people, he doesn’t have a useful talent, he’s a drain on society.

But he’s going to die soon enough. For a long moment, it’s the only comfort he clings to- he’ll die and none of this will matter. The constant ache in his body won’t matter. His increasingly poisonous personality won’t matter. Maybe this is the root of his apathy, the constant knowledge that he’s going to be gone soon, his destructive luck cycle will turn in on itself and finish the loop of suffering it’s put him through.

And he’ll be so happy to have it gone, even if it means his death.

Komaeda flips through channels on television while he waits for Nanami. He settles for a cartoon, news not holding his interest and everything else making him feel sick to his stomach. Cartoons are pretty immature but he finds them entertaining on a pleasantly superficial level. Sometime during this, breathing gets more difficult and Komaeda casually slips on the oxygen mask by the bed.

Ugh, he doesn’t want to meet a new person, feel their eyes looking him over, the pity sure to radiate from them. He should care enough about his best friend to meet this suspicious boyfriend, but maybe he doesn’t care enough for that. Maybe he’s too messed up to care and just really wants to sleep away one of his few days left. It hardly matters to him that Nanami is the person he’s closest to, his parents being dead and not having any other close family members. The less he affects her, the better.

Komaeda lets himself dissolve in the near-constant pain, dulled by painkillers, dissociating from his thoughts. It’s in this state that Nanami finds him in later, seemingly very engrossed in the colorful characters on the too-bright television screen.

“Hey.” she says casually, repeating it when Komaeda doesn’t respond immediately. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Oh.” he says, shifting slightly to turn off the television. Nanami drags over a chair from the corner and sits beside him, looking relaxed and tired. Komaeda takes in her appearance slowly, her odd hair color that he’s pretty sure is the result of multiple home dye-jobs, the undisguised purple-grey shadows under pink almond-shaped eyes.

“Have your eyes always been pink?” he asks next, because obviously this is the most important question to ask.

Nanami reaches for his hand, frowning at the bruises around his IV. “Stop scratching. And I’ve been wearing these for the past few visits… it’s not new.”

“Contacts.” Komaeda sighs through his nose, frustrated that he forgot. “Why pink?”

“Shh, pink is cool. How are you feeling?”

He gestures to the oxygen mask, the liquid medication set to flow into him. “Fine. Lymphoma is worse than dementia today, but it’s not that bad.”

Nanami frowns slightly. “Ah. Oh…. Hinata is getting the candy you wanted, we forgot to get it earlier. Lots of drama in school right now.”

Komaeda looks up, curious. “Hm? Is that part of why you’re dating the guy?”

“Part of it, yes. You heard about the reserve students…” she trails off, seemingly considering how to phrase her thoughts. Komaeda bets she’s looking for dialogue choices like a game would have, but he waits for her to think.

The door opens roughly, a boy balancing a backpack and two plastic bags entering. He walks with a casual gait, slouching slightly.

“Got the gummy bears, and Nanami brought books too.” he says, voice sounding forced like he has a cold.

“Komaeda, this is Hinata. Hinata, this is my best friend.” Nanami says, taking the plastic bags from Hinata.

The brown-haired boy extends one deeply tanned arm, meeting Komaeda’s pale hand in a handshake. “Nice to meet you.”

Komaeda’s stomach twists, and for a second he considers whether or not he’s made a grave mistake by saying Nanami could bring this boy. Hinata raises his head slightly, steady hazel-green eyes meeting Komaeda’s.

 


	2. Denial

He raises a hand to his head, blinking. The world takes too long to focus, and the floor is way closer than it should be. Komaeda realizes slowly he must have fallen off of the bed, and takes way too long to process the visual signals he’s receiving. Nanami’s leaned over the bed, and Komaeda hears her voice in dulled pieces, bits at a time. He’s dizzy. Everything is dulled and blurred.

Then very clearly, he hears his own wheezing breath, somewhere between breathing and coughing but failing at both. Komaeda raises a hand to his lips, beyond confused. Even when he holds his breath, he can hear his own breathing. The wheezing, gasping sound continues.

The hand he raised is square shaped, tanned, freckles dotting it like pebbles in sand. Stunned, he brushes a finger over the fine sun-bleached hairs, fingernails bitten short, a tiny white scar on the index finger. He slowly makes a fist, marvelling at how solid the hand is, the sharp contrast it makes with his long and thin hands. These aren’t his hands.

Komaeda uses the bed to pull himself up, not processing how easy it is. He hasn’t walked in a week or so, it uses way too much energy.

“Help me here!” Nanami says, grabbing his hand. Komaeda’s attention is roughly pulled to- himself. The source of the breathing noise. He processes this much more quickly.

Nagito Komaeda’s body is shaking violently, panic raw in disorientingly green eyes. The same eyes Komaeda last looked into, Hinata’s eyes. It’s then that the full gravity of the situation hits Komaeda- they switched bodies.

“How do I fix his breathing?” Nanami asks, voice uncharacteristically sharp. “Hinata!”

“I’m not-” Komaeda starts, but the expression on Nanami’s face tells him she already knows this. He cautiously walks across the room to the mirror on the wall, trying to verify that it really is his body.

Grey-green eyes take in this new form, lightly muscular but not particularly lean, sturdily built. Komaeda sucks in an unobscured breath, marveling at how little energy it takes to move. He feels in control over this body, connected tightly to it.

Nanami’s hands are suddenly pulling at his tie, Hinata’s tie, pulling him back over to the situation on the hospital bed.

“How do we fix this?” she demands, hands on either side of Komaeda’s face to get him to focus.

He’s slightly frustrated that he has to do something about the situation, but manages to find the oxygen mask Hinata must have ripped off in a panic. Nanami finds the nurse call button, and Komaeda roughly pushes the mask onto the gasping boy’s face.

It’s so disorienting to see his own body, outside of it as he is. Komaeda reaches for the frail hand of his own body, the body Hinata’s controlling now. He’s so thin, sickly looking.

“What’s going on?” Tsumiki demands, rushing over to record the vital signs of her patient. Komaeda drops Hinata’s hand, going to Nanami, who answers simply that “He’s having trouble breathing.”

“Well, he’s unconscious now.” Tsumiki narrows her eyes, turning to Komaeda. “Did you have anything to do with this?”

“It... just happened.” Nanami frowns. “Is he okay?”

Tsumiki hesitates. “For now? Yes, after I administer something to help his breathing. It would probably be best if you left him to rest though.”

Komaeda blinks. “We aren’t leaving.”

When he feels the eyes of both girls on him, he simply turns and walks to the window, ignoring the others in the room. It’s been a while since he could just stand and look outside, without getting tired and needing to sit down. It’s cloudy outside but this doesn’t stop him from opening the window and pressing his face against the screen. The air is cool and Komaeda marvels at how he’s not too cold now, the air is actually pleasant.

“Komaeda.” Nanami says seriously, pulling his attention away from trying to see his school. It’s so close, he could walk there now. “Listen to me.”

He looks up, distracted still. “We switched.”

“I know.” there are tears in her eyes, she exhales. “I’m so sorry. It’s… my fault.”

Komaeda raises an eyebrow, noting that Tsumiki left and Hinata is still unconscious. Slowly he reaches out a hand, his sturdy tan hand, and runs a finger down Hinata’s arm. He looks so pale, skin slightly blue-tinted, veins and bones prominent. He’s fragile now, and for a second Komaeda thinks about how the other boy will feel about this.

But he doesn’t care, and discards the thought.

“We need to wait until he wakes up…” Nanami says slowly, still looking like she’s going to cry. “Then we’ll figure out what to do.”

“What is there to be done?” Komaeda mutters, taking a moment to realize his voice is unfamiliar, not even sounding like Hinata’s. It sounds clearer and higher-pitched when he uses it, taking on the light and breathy qualities of his previous voice.

When Nanami doesn’t answer, he sighs, reaching for the gummy bears. He doesn’t even really like the things, just craves sugar. They taste odd and he absently wonders if Hinata tastes things differently than he does. Looking up at Nanami, he opens his mouth to talk to her about this, then closes it again.

Nanami looks different. She’s holding onto Hinata’s hand, the pale, bruised hand, her grip gentle. Fat tears keep welling up in her eyes, and she keeps brushing them aside with a sleeve that Komaeda thinks will probably be wet soon.

He turns away, not bothering to comfort Nanami or even make a snide comment. Silently he raises an arm to his face and sniffs deliberately, marveling that Hinata’s body smells like oranges. It’s a weird smell for a high school boy, but then again it’s been a while since he’s sniffed high schoolers.

How does this work with the luck cycle? Does this body have Komaeda’s luck attached now, or did it stay with the white-haired pale body?

“Nanami,” Komaeda starts, voice unfamiliar to him. “Think of a number between- one and fifty.”

She looks up, confusion replacing sadness slowly. “What?”

“Luck cycle.” he shakes his head slightly, as if this should have been obvious. “Don’t tell me the number.”

“Okay. I thought of one.” she says after a moment. “Randomly.”

“Eighteen?”

The look of resignation in Nanami’s face confirms that his wild guess was correct. “Again?”

“Thirty-one.” he says instantly, picking the first number that comes to mind.

She nods. “One more time.”

“Six?”

“Seven, actually…” Nanami frowns. “Close enough, I guess. What does this really mean?”

Komaeda runs a hand through his hair, surprised when it’s much shorter than expected. “It means that the luck cycle has a worse way for me to die in mind.”

“It’s going to kill Hinata too.” she says, dipping her chin down. “Your diseases were so much for you to deal with, and he’s… not used to any of this.”

“I know.” Komaeda stands up, going to get a cup from beside the sink. “Bad luck on his part.”

She hesitates. “How are you feeling about this? Honestly.”

He fills the cup up with water silently, considering this. He feels slightly hungry, but something tells him this answer will anger or upset Nanami.

“Not sure yet.” he answers after a long sip of water.

The long pause in their conversation is interrupted by coughing, catching both teens off-guard. Hinata is awake, gaining consciousness and confusion in equal parts. Komaeda reluctantly sits by the bed, holding the boy’s other hand at Nanami’s prompt. He doesn’t see how this will calm Hinata, but questioning Nanami is beyond him.

Confusion melts into panic, and Komaeda abruptly realizes that the hand holding is more to keep Hinata lying down than to express sympathy.

“Hinata? We’re here... I’m here. I need you to take a few breaths and I’ll explain everything.” Nanami says, her voice broken. “Please try to keep calm.”

Komaeda snorts. Calm, sure. Hinata looks the furthest thing from “calm.”

“What happened?” the panicking boy manages after a moment, choking up at the end of his sentence. His hazel-green eyes are focused uncomfortably on Komaeda, who looks away.

“You and Komaeda switched. You’re… in his body now.” Nanami looks down, biting her lip.

“No.” he whispers, eyes wide in disbelief. “But- I’m straight.”

Komaeda can’t help himself, barely covering a laugh that sounds unnatural from Hinata’s lips. “Apparently not.”

Hinata’s wide eyes focus on him. “Oh my god. What is this.”

Komaeda’s face stretches into a wide grin, a false happiness over his deep apathy. “Your death and my freedom.”

Something stings the side of his face, startling him. Nanami pulls back her hand and he realizes a moment too late that she slapped him.

“Komaeda… now is not the time. Please stop talking.” she says, pulling back her own hand as if she’s just as shocked as he is.

He sits back in his seat, mouth closed. Hinata’s watching Nanami now, similarly surprised that she just hit her best friend.

“Nanami, what are we going to do? How do we- reverse this?” Hinata asks after a moment of silence.

She focuses on the ground. “I really don’t know.”

Komaeda looks at his hands, slowly making fists and releasing. “We just have to keep hope. This is a good environment for it to flourish- think of what we could do with this! Hope thrives in despair.”

Nanami stares at him for a moment after he finishes, and Hinata is just lying down with his hands over his eyes, shivering slightly.

“What time is it?” Hinata asks after a painfully long pause.

Nanami opens up her DS for a second to check. “Almost 5. The nurse will probably try to kick us out soon…”

When Hinata doesn’t answer, the other two look up to see him sleeping. Komaeda shakes his head slowly, appalled by how fragile his body looks. Thin wrists, bones visible, accented by blue veins under almost translucent skin. This used to be him, his body.

He’s free now.

“Komaeda? His parents will probably get upset if he’s not home before 6 or so. I think… I’m going to sleep here tonight. Someone needs to be here with him.” Nanami says slowly, thinking. “So you’ll have to be him, for tonight.”

“Oh.” Komaeda considers going home, to his home, but he hasn’t lived there in a long time. It’s almost definitely cold, dusty, and devoid of food. He can already tell Hinata’s body needs food more than his previous body. It should be interesting to see the life of a real Hope’s Peak student, with a talent more real than luck. For a moment he lets himself wonder what talent someone like Hinata could possess, but Nanami interrupts.

“Can you pull out what’s in your pockets?” she asks, looking much calmer than before. Sad, but calm.

Komaeda reaches into Hinata’s seemingly endless pockets and pulls out a cell phone and a generic-looking wallet, slightly scuffed.

“Okay, here’s my contact on his phone. You can call or text if you have questions and I’ll try to help.” Nanami says, handing him the phone back.

He weighs it, then takes a moment to notice that Hinata has only seven contacts. Three are family members and two are school numbers, leaving Nanami and another name Komaeda doesn’t recognize. Hinata seems like the type of person who’d have quite a few friends, at least more than two. Interesting.

“You have to use the metro pass to get to his house.” Nanami says next, writing instructions in her loopy handwriting on the hospital memo pad Komaeda’s never used. “Do you know how to take the subway?”

Komaeda blinks. “It can’t be that hard.”

She half-smiles. “I can’t believe you’ve lived here your whole life and have never used the metro system. It’s not hard, but call me if you can’t do it.”

He takes the wallet back from her, pocketing it and Hinata’s cell phone again. “I’ll see you later.”

“Wait.” she hesitates, then puts her hands on his shoulders. “Don’t run away from this... You owe it to Hinata to stay.”

He shrugs slightly. “I’m not leaving my school, I’ll promise you that much.”

Nanami doesn’t look completely reassured by this, but Komaeda gingerly takes Hinata’s backpack and heads out of the hospital. He can walk, he can breathe properly.

It’s all surreal right now, like it hasn’t hit that his acceptance of the end was in vain. Unless the diseases follow him or the luck cycle kills him from something else in the near future, he’s gotten off easy. This was good luck.

Heading to Hinata’s house on the metro proves to be fairly easy. Komaeda sits among others, surrounded by other humans for the first time far too long. A few gawk at Hope’s Peak Academy’s uniform, most pay him no attention. It’s unnerving, to be surrounded like this.

There’s one other student from HPA, who glares at him and gets off one stop before Hinata’s.

Komaeda notices that people move away after making eye contact, and realizes he messed up socially again. People don’t like being stared at.

He remembers to get off at the right stop, tripping slightly on his way out. Walking again is odd. Walking the fifteen or so minutes to Hinata’s house, then doubling back twice results in him arriving tired and after dark, panting in front of a modestly-sized house. It looks a bit cold, impersonal, like it could belong to anyone. Komaeda specifically walks in the evenly cut grass rather than on the path, then hesitates in front of the door.

What will happen if Hinata’s parents realize he’s not their son? It’s not as though Komaeda cares, he’s just looking to see what Hinata’s life is like. If he placates Nanami at the same time, great.

He sucks in a deep breath, then unlocks the door.


	3. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bolded text is digital and the names before the text are contact names- hence, in this chapter, Komaeda is using Hinata's accounts and that's why his name is shown. Hope this makes sense.

The house is quiet, but well-lit so Komaeda guesses someone must be home. He slips off his shoes at the door, then wonders how to find Hinata’s bedroom. This body demands food first.

The kitchen proves easy to find, and it takes Komaeda only a few minutes to get everything together for a bowl of cereal. Balancing the bowl in one hand, he gets toast and a banana in the other, then guesses that Hinata’s bedroom is probably upstairs and he should escape now to avoid meeting his family.

Komaeda is so hungry and he can’t remember the last time this happened. It’s a strange sensation, he feels human. Human and very much alive.

The house is unnervingly quiet. Komaeda pushes open a bathroom door and a closet door before he finds a bedroom, and assumes it’s Hinata’s. Sighing, he pulls out Hinata’s phone to check with Nanami.

 

**Hinata: Nanami, is his room the green one?**

**Nanami: yes. it has pale green walls and his bed is navy**

 

This should be it, then. Komaeda sets all the food on a messy nightstand, then drops the backpack on the ground and curls into a loose ball on the bed.

It smells like oranges too. He sits up slightly, then starts eating in silence as he examines the room. There’s a laptop on the desk nearby, a mess of papers beside it. Beside it sits a dresser with clothes hanging out of the drawers and some piled up on the ground. Komaeda wrinkles his nose at the few art pieces on the walls- at least he knows for sure that’s not Hinata’s talent. A picture of a few middle school aged kids is tacked up near the nightstand, with a girl who looks a lot like Hinata near the center of the photo. Probably a sister or cousin or something.

The closet is mostly closed, a soccer ball keeping it from closing. Komaeda entertains the idea of SHSL soccer player Hinata for a moment before realizing that this body isn’t toned or coordinated enough for a talent like that.

He kicks his feet slightly, letting them hang off the bed so his toes barely touch the wooden floors. Cereal is tasty and he’s still hungry, but he sets the empty bowl aside to go through the papers on Hinata’s desk.

The top ones are mostly school announcements and homework assignments. Based on the grades, Komaeda’s eliminated another handful of potential talents. Hinata must be failing at least a few classes, assignments partially completed and not done well. Closer to the bottom of the pile, the papers get marginally more interesting. There’s a recommendation letter from what looks like one of Hinata’s middle school teachers, some printouts about the history of HPA, an old newsletter with a line highlighted yellow- “Want a chance to participate in cutting-edge research? Seeking reserve course students only.”

Oh, gross. Reserve course students, sullying his precious school. Komaeda shakes his head, turning on the computer while nibbling on the toast he brought up. Immediately, a few messages pop up.

 

**Naegi: hey you home yet??**

**Naegi: how was the date thing**

 

Komaeda hesitates for a moment, scrolling up to get a sense of Hinata’s typing style. It’s not bad to talk to his friends. After all, he is Hinata now.

 

**Hinata: I’m home. It went okay but took a while.**

**Naegi: cool, cool**

**Naegi: i like nanami shes really nice**

**Hinata: Yeah, she is.**

**Naegi: is dating her helping with the bullying issue yet??**

**Naegi: cos like the sooner this works, the sooner you can hopefully get a real girlfriend ;O**

**Naegi: and nanami can go back to playing video games in peace lol**

**Hinata: The bullying problem?**

**Naegi: yeah. sorry i brought it up again :P**

**Hinata: It’s fine.**

 

In a new window, Komaeda searches for class rosters. Naegi is Makoto Naegi probably, a grade below Komaeda and Nanami. He assumed Hinata was the same age but his name is absent from the lists for Naegi’s and Nanami’s classes, as well as the grade above. He’s probably too young to be alumni working for HPA.

Interestingly, he finds Naegi’s talent to be the same as his own. SHSL lucky. How sad for them both.

 

**Hinata: Hey, mind if we talk about your luck?**

**Hinata: Just got curious about it.**

**Naegi: lol i dont know what there is to say about it**

**Naegi: i swear its out to kill me though. like i told you about what happened in the locker room yesterday??**

**Hinata: Kill you how?**

**Naegi: idk like ill die of embarrassment or ill trip on the stairs and stab myself accidentally**

**Naegi: my luck is so bad lol**

**Naegi: but hey it was really good luck that i got into HPA anyway!! going to school here is really cool XD**

**Hinata: So your luck doesn’t follow a cycle or anything like that?**

**Naegi: uh idt so?? maybe who knows**

**Naegi: oh hey so kirigiri asked if i wanted to see a movie with her this weekend and like is that a date?? is she asking me out??**

 

Komaeda sighs through his nose, ignoring the message. Either the boy doesn’t have a luck cycle or is too dense to pick up on it.

Turning away from the computer, he leans back, frustrated at the messy space. If he has to stay here for more than a night, he’s going to clean this place up. Does Hinata ever have people over if his room is such a mess?

He picks up Hinata’s phone and calls Nanami, absently biting at a fingernail before he realizes what he’s doing. Ew. No more of that.

Nanami picks up on the second ring, her voice quiet. “Hi.”

“He’s in the reserve course, isn’t he.”

She hesitates for a long time, and Komaeda waits, seething. “He was…”

“Why didn’t you TELL ME?” he explodes, knocking over the desk chair as he stands up. “I switched bodies with a reserve course student, the very type of person defiling HPA. And you didn’t think this was even worth mentioning?”

“I tried to tell you before-”

Breathing heavily, Komaeda collapses on the bed. “I was going to die, Nanami. It would have been so much easier. It was a known end and now I have to deal with the uncertainty of the luck cycle again. This is unwanted good luck and I was ready to die.”

“I’m sorry, Komaeda.” Nanami pauses again, her voice cracking slightly. “And I’ll figure something out. Don’t… make any huge decisions right now.”

He exhales sharply, anger evaporating into apathy again. “I still have my talent. It’s fine.”

Truthfully, he probably would have been happy to rid himself of the luck cycle. While he hates his talent, being without one would probably be worse- he doesn’t think he can live without his school.

Being dead was his great solution.

“Hinata is sleeping right now, I think the nurse gave him a lot of painkiller.” Nanami sounds tired now. “I’m going to try to find food nearby.”

“Okay.” Komaeda says, more air than voice.

“Is there anything I can do or… anything else you want to talk about?”

Komaeda can’t think of anything, and hangs up on Nanami without another word. Slowly he curls into a loose ball, apathy swinging back into frustration. He had a plan, and the world would have been rid of him. Everything would have been for the best, and now he’s free from at least one terminal disease. It’s impossible for him to tell whether or not his dementia is still affecting him- the biological issue might have stayed with his body. It’s not like their brains physically switched, there’s no logical explanation for it.

He needs to have his brain looked at, preferably as soon as possible. Death from dementia alone would take a bit longer, but would still fit with his plan. There’s really no need for him to panic and replan yet, and tomorrow he can go find his neurologist and figure out his new life expectancy.

Komaeda calms down relatively quickly, pushing fear out of his mind. Instead he decides to channel this newfound energy into cleaning Hinata’s bedroom, which sorely needs to be done.

Sorting through a stranger’s room like this should probably unsettle him more than it does, but Komaeda can’t bring himself to care much about this. It’s just a place, just objects, and hardly affects him personally. Sighing, he gets up to go find a trash bag to collect the mess of wrappers and crumpled up papers.

Hesitating in the doorway, he hears voices coming from downstairs. That’s probably where larger trash bags are, so Komaeda decides to get it over with and meet Hinata’s family.

He passes an adult woman on the phone, with hazel-green eyes and blonde hair, then makes the snap decision that this must be Hinata’s mother. She merely looks up and nods at him as he passes by, a gesture he returns by simply narrowing his eyes.

This must be pretty similar to Hinata’s normal behavior. She doesn’t question it or try to talk to him.

“Hey, how was school?” a man asks from the kitchen. He’s tall and fairly attractive for a middle-aged guy, with dark hair and a beard.

“Fine.” Komaeda shrugs. “Where are trash bags?”

The man raises an eyebrow. “You hiding a body or something?”

Komaeda honestly can’t tell if the guy is joking, so he shrugs. “Cleaning my room.”

“Praise the gods. A miracle has happened today.” the man who must be Hinata’s dad raises his soup spoon in an imitation of a prayer gesture, eyes turned reverently upward. “Trash bags are under the kitchen sink.”

That was fairly helpful. Komaeda gets one, then gets up to leave. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Dad?”

Komaeda frowns. “Yes, fatherly figure. Geez.”

“Sorry, I just didn’t realize you thought of me like that. I’m really honored.” the man smiles. “Your mom and I have only been married a few years, but I consider you fully my son.”

Stepdad. Oh. Komaeda tries for a smile, which is shaky and forced. “Cool.”

“I wish you wouldn’t keep doing that.” Hinata’s mom says from the doorway, directed at her husband. “We’ve been over this, and we’re not encouraging this behavior.”

Komaeda doesn’t know what she’s talking about and doesn’t really care, so he takes the opportunity to escape to the bedroom. Trash bag in hand, it takes him less than an hour to get the room in a livable condition. He’ll have to do a load or two of laundry tomorrow, but it’s a lot better than it was.

Tomorrow. If he’s still here.

He looks around for clean clothes next, because taking a shower seems like a good idea for many reasons. If this is the body he’s going to have for the rest of his life, however long that may be, it’d be good for him to be familiar with it. Satisfying his curiosity and his borderline-obsessive need to always be clean are also compelling reasons.

Komaeda guesses that the first bathroom he passed would be good to shower in, and dumps the clean clothes in there before going back for the cell phone he forgot. There’s a text from the Naegi kid asking if he’s okay, probably worried that his earlier computer messages didn’t get answered.

Komaeda sighs before texting back: **Yeah. Busy, talk to you later.**

He meets his gaze in the mirror again, silently marveling at how his eyes look like they were pulled out of his own body and put in this one. They’re exactly the same, the under-saturated color contrasting interestingly with Hinata’s gold-tanned skin and sturdy features. It’s a beautiful body, really, strongly appealing to Komaeda’s sense of aesthetics. It’s just mismatched with him inside.

Fully undressed, Komaeda confirms what he expected, that Hinata was born female. He’s not surprised nor does he particularly care, it’s just another nuance to this different body.

The freckles continue on the paler parts of the body, the parts untouched by sun, skin smooth under his hands. Even naked and under the stream of water, it feels like an invasion to touch his chest, wrong somehow. It’s impossible to tell which feelings belong to Komaeda and which are hard-wired to the body, innate reactions to stimuli.

He takes a long time, tired and in a comfortable state of confusion. That’s really the source of his confusion, how comfortable he feels in this body. It counteracts some of the dangerous parts of him, stabilizes him. Maybe that’s the point of being bound to someone else like this- maybe soulmates are just people who happen to be able to make up for each other’s flaws, draw them closer to the average of human action and reaction.

Certainly this seems like good luck for Komaeda, getting the body that hasn’t yet been worn down by the relentless luck cycle. Maybe this means Hinata will be able to heal the other body, or maybe it means he’ll be in more danger with exposure to Komaeda’s poisonous luck.

Komaeda crawls into bed, remembering to plug in Hinata’s phone to charge and set the alarm most frequently used on the phone. With any luck, it’ll be the one that gets him to school on time.

Of course it will be though. His luck is infallible.

 


	4. Bargaining

Komaeda hadn’t really anticipated being so tired the next morning. It takes a lot of effort to pull himself out of bed when the alarm goes off, and for a second he’s disoriented. This isn’t his hospital room and this isn’t his body. It’s far more foreign but safer. He’s still not sure how to feel about it.

Yawning, he walks to the bathroom then confirms again that he hasn’t changed bodies again. His eyes look more blue than green today, a strange trick of the light he’s never tried to understand. He gets dressed slowly, struggling with the tie for a few minutes, then gets Hinata’s backpack and heads downstairs.

The house is silent, and Komaeda figures everyone else is asleep. He decides to make several sandwiches, for breakfast and for lunch just in case the reserve course students have gross lunch foods. They probably do, and he would probably eat it if he was hungry enough.

The morning air is pleasantly cool on his skin, not sending him shivering and clutching for blankets. He spreads his fingers painfully wide, stretching them out to feel the breeze fully.

For once he doesn’t feel like he’s dying, and it’s just him and the early-morning silence. It’s him melting into the world, and taking on its life. The vitality consumes him, blowing away the boundaries between him and the air.

Komaeda blinks a few times, morning sun catching in golden-brown eyelashes. It’s been a long time since he’s felt at peace like this.

The metro is crowded, uncomfortable, but somehow his marginally good mood lasts throughout the experience and he arrives at HPA unscathed. Pulling out Hinata’s phone, he calls Nanami, watching other reserve course students pass.

“Hey.” she answers, voice heavy with sleep. “I’m not going to be in school today.”

“Are you okay?” Komaeda asks, narrowing his eyes at a student who stares for too long.

Nanami takes a moment to respond, and he wonders if she fell asleep again. “Yeah. Hinata woke up a few times either panicking or unable to breathe but I think he’s better now. He’s… high, actually.”

“What?”

She sighs. “The nurse swapped his pain meds. It’s not Tsumiki today and I’m not sure this was a good idea.”

Komaeda frowns, one hand at his temples. “If he’s not in pain, that’s good. I’ll be there about an hour after school gets out.”

“I’ll probably have to stay here again tonight though...” Nanami yawns. “But if you could go to my dorm and pick up a few games for me, it’d be a lot better. And maybe clothes.”

Of course clothes are her second priority.

“You know, they’d probably murder a male reserve student for going in your dorm. I’ll sleep at the hospital tonight.” Komaeda says, offering before he can put much thought into it.

“Really?” she pauses. “That would be really nice, Komaeda.”

He looks around warily, noticing the flow of students has decreased substantially. “I think I have to go now. Can you text me Hinata’s schedule?”

“He’s a dork, it’s written on the back cover of his notebook.” Nanami yawns again. “I’m going back to sleep. Have fun at high school…”

Komaeda rummages around in Hinata’s messy backpack for his notebook, a huge spiral bound water-wrinkled notebook. The schedule on the back gives him room numbers and class names, so he heads off to try to find his first class.

The reserve students are very separated from the main course students. In his semester here, Komaeda only made it over to this side of the school once or twice. There are tons more reserve course students than regular ones, but no dorms on this side. He remembers that most of the main course students live in dorms at the school, having come from all over Japan and some from out of the country, but it’s not an option for the reserve course students. Hinata was lucky to live near the school.

Because the area’s unfamiliar, it takes him a while to find his first class. He’s late, but the teacher is as apathetic as he is and only sighs as he slips in.

Komaeda becomes bored very quickly, and tunes out the teacher in favor of watching the other reserves. There’s a bit less… ostentatious dress, but otherwise they look mostly the same as regular course students. Less variety maybe.

He opens Hinata’s notebook, not expecting to see good notes. If his grades are any indication, Hinata is not a good note taker.

Komaeda’s suspicion is confirmed. The notebook is primarily full of thoughts and doodles, Hinata’s lack of art skill painfully evident. The first few pages are filled with seemingly hundreds of- talent ideas. Brushing a finger over the dark lines crossing various talents out, Komaeda can imagine how the other boy must have felt much too easily. Most likely full of hope that he could be one of the lucky reserves to discover a talent and move to the main course. Then, probably plunged into despair upon realizing that he’s just as ordinary as everyone else.

Komaeda almost feels sympathetic, but the feeling is gone as soon as it comes.

His other classes pass similarly, until the last one before lunch. Another student approaches him, waiting silently as he puts away the notebook. This is the first time someone’s really acknowledged him all day.

“Hey, Hinata…” the student says, looking uncomfortable. “Want to sign our petition?”

Komaeda leans over the paper, impressed at the number of signatures it has so far. “What’s it for?”

The reserve student blinks. “For increased recognition and funds for us. Hell, we’re paying to keep this place open but the money just goes over there.” They jerk a thumb roughly in the direction of the main course side of the school.

“Then no, I don’t want to sign.” Komaeda rolls his eyes slightly. “More money is literally the only reason reserves are allowed here. It’s enough of a reward just to be here.”

“You sound just like them.” the student groans.

A few other students longue on desks nearby, obviously listening to this encounter. “What were you expecting from him? Stupid kid’s pretending to be one of them.”

The frustrated petition bearer steps back, making room for a more aggressive student, male and a good half-foot taller than Komaeda.

“You’re one of us, not one of them. Stop sticking up for the spoiled bastards.” he says, invading Komaeda’s personal space all too casually. “They don’t care about us. Talent is a lie, you know that? A way to make some people happier by making others feel worse.”

Komaeda shrinks down, frowning. “Get away from me.” He slips out of his seat, pulling the backpack behind him.

“They don’t care about you! The more you hang out with those jerks, the worse you’re making it for yourself.”

He escapes into the hall, leaving the others behind. The farther he goes, the more the paths clear, and he’s outside in a moment.

The reserve students don’t get it. They’re getting an incredible opportunity- HPA is using them, sure, but they get to say that they went to the best high school in Japan. Maybe the best in the entire world.

Furthermore, he’s not sure that talent makes people happier. For some people, like Nanami, their talent is so much a part of them that they don’t realize if it makes them happier or not. It just- is them. Inseparable from them. Some are forced into their talents, obligated to continue the one thing they’re good at. Some really enjoy their talents, and then there’s Komaeda, who’s deeply affected by his talent but powerless to control it.

He shakes his head slightly, making it over to the significantly quieter main course area of the school grounds. The biology building is pretty close, he might have enough time to get a brain scan before lunch ends and see what’s going on with his dementia.

“Hinata!” someone yells, running toward him at an unsafe speed. Komaeda neatly sidesteps the child, frowning.

The kid looks up, panting heavily. “Come on to our lunch spot… where have you been?”

“Er, around school.” Komaeda gestures loosely to all of the school grounds. He guesses that this is Naegi, and follows him to an open grassy area in the warm sunshine. A few other kids are sitting at a table nearby, and Naegi grabs Komaeda’s hand to pull him in that direction.

Physical contact is odd.

“What were you busy doing last night?” the boy asks, stopping beside the table. “And where’s Nanami?”

Komaeda shrugs slightly. “She’s with- Nagito Komaeda. Her sick friend.”

“Oh.” Naegi nods knowingly. “I hope he feels better soon.”

“He’s going to die.” Komaeda tilts his head slightly. “In less than a year.”

“Oh. I’m- really sorry to hear that.” Naegi’s bottom lip sticks out slightly, like he’s actually sad to hear that someone he doesn’t know is dying. Well, someone that he does know pretty well, in the body of someone he doesn’t. He likely won’t take the news of Hinata dying well.

“I hope Nanami comes back soon.” a quiet voice offers from the table, belonging to a small girl typing away on a laptop. “She’s so amazing.”

The other person at the table, a girl with long pale hair pulled back, sets aside the book she was reading. “Chihiro, your admiration of Nanami is bordering on hero worship and I’m not sure that behavior will serve you well.”

The other girl looks wounded at this. “But- it’s good to look up to upperclassmen. Nanami and I are going to code a game together someday! And our talents are both related to technology so it makes sense for us to be close friends.”

The long-haired girl sighs, turning to Komaeda. “How are you today?”

“Fine. How are you?” Komaeda answers, pulling out a few packed sandwiches. Naegi grabs one, grinning widely, and Komaeda makes no attempt to stop him.

The girl narrows her eyes slightly, her gaze sharp. “Also fine. We have a midterm test coming up, though.”

“Hinata, what are these sandwiches made with?” Naegi asks, face paling.

Komaeda scratches his nose. “Peanut butter. Pickles. Tuna maybe, but it might be another kind of fish, I’m not actually sure.”

“Um. That’s not a kind of sandwich.” Naegi hands the bitten sandwich back to Komaeda with the same careful touch that one would handle a small bomb with. “Did you just… grab random foods or what?”

“No, I just made what sounded good.” he feels the eyes of all three of the other kids on him, and averts his eyes.

Naegi smiles again, swinging his legs under the table. “Well, I guess we know for sure that cooking isn’t your talent! We’re narrowing it down.”

“Oh.” Komaeda shrugs, picking his lunch into mouth-sized pieces.

“Did you bring everything for your sports club after school?” the long-haired girl asks, leaning forward. Her eyes are lilac like her hair, both unnatural but somehow looking completely normal on her.

Komaeda shrugs. “I injured my knee so no practice today.”

“Aw, sorry you’re hurt.” Naegi offers, wincing.

The girl tilts her head, hair pooling on the table. “Remind me again what sport you play?”

Komaeda narrows his eyes, leaning back to put more distance between them. Naegi fills the moment of silence too quickly, before the moment of animosity is complete.

“This has got to be the first thing you’ve forgotten, Kirigiri! Hinata plays soccer, remember?”

“Yeah, Kirigiri. How silly of you to forget.” Komaeda echoes, smiling slightly.

Kirigiri, the long-haired girl, returns the cold smile with one of her own. “Right, I do remember hearing about that. Must have slipped my mind. What’s your next class?”

“I have a doctor’s appointment next period, actually. For my knee.” Komaeda lies too easily, the words slipping from his mouth as easily as truthful ones do. “I’ll miss out on another fascinating history lecture, though.”

“History is a lovely class. That reminds me, I wanted to show you the inscription on a statue over there. Walk with me, _Hinata_?” Kirigiri asks, voice laced with hidden meaning.

Komaeda actually has the inscriptions memorized to all the statues on the grounds, but stands up anyway. Naegi starts up a conversation with the computer kid instead of following them, and Kirigiri stays silent until they’re out of earshot.

“My name is Kyouko Kirigiri, SHSL detective.” she says calmly. “A first year here. Are you Nagito Komaeda?”

Komaeda hesitates for a second before nodding. “I am. What gave me away?”

She narrows her eyes. “A dozen inconsistencies in the first few seconds of our meeting. I’m surprised you had anyone fooled, honestly. Naegi can be dense but you’re nothing like Hinata, I would think it’d be obvious to his best friend.”

“People all too often see what they’re looking for.” he comments. “But someone talented like you sees without previous assumptions. How interesting.”

“I like that idea, well said.” Kirigiri turns to him, meeting his pale eyes with her own. “You were telling the truth though, about your body dying. Hinata is dying now?”

Komaeda nods, paying more attention to the statue now than to Kirigiri. It’s of the first headmistress of the school, and he traces his fingers over the inscription reverently. _It is the duty of those with talent to perform to their full potential._  Moving words.

“This is highly unfortunate for him. Please let me know when he’s ready for visitors.” Kirigiri turns away. “Lunch is almost over.”

She betrays no emotion, but Komaeda is sure she’s just hiding it quite well. What a fascinating student. Komaeda has truly missed interacting with his fellow talented students.

After lunch, Komaeda decides to skip class to find his neurologist and complete the necessary scans. He needs to know whether or not he’s still dying, and honestly, he deeply hopes he is. It’d be easier in so many ways. He doesn’t want anything to change, and this is the last potentially unchanged element of his life.

The biology building is organized slightly differently since the last time Komaeda was here. It must be because of the closing of the old building, one of the original buildings of HPA. The student and alumni-run labs are up on higher levels, so he has to climb up stairs past student classrooms to get to Yasuke Matsuda’s neuroscience lab. He’s guessing that Matsuda won’t be in class, and his guess is proved correct when his knock on the door is answered.

A sloppily dressed auburn-haired girl answers, glare less sharp like Kirigiri’s and more like being stabbed with a blunt instrument- just as unsettling but far less perceptive.

“Hinata, you procrastinating asshole. Get the hell in here.” Matsuda says, throwing the door open.


	5. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Matsuda and Junko switched at a pretty young age, and chose to use the pronouns the other used before the switch. Thus Matsuda uses she/her and Junko uses he/him. This is probably the only other switched pair this story will present. Other potential pairings are up to your own interpretation.
> 
> (If anyone else wants to use this AU idea, please do! I'd love to see a story with a couple with a huge height difference or a 3-way switch or really any interpretations on this)

“I don’t know what the hell you’ve been waiting for. Like it’s my job to send you cutesy appointment reminders- ‘come in for your fucking check up! schedule it soon, you blundering waste of neurons!’ It’s not my job, that’s what.” Matsuda mumbles, digging through various drawers. “It’s your goddamn job to come get a blood test. In fact, get Tsumiki to do it. I really don’t want to be an enabler for anyone’s stupidity today.”

Komaeda looks around, eyes darting over equipment he knows nothing about. There’s a computer screen nearby with a large picture of brain tissue up, paths lit up in green like a massive web. Beside the computer, scientific journals are stacked up, beside a mess of paperwork. There’s manga shoved under Matsuda’s desk, some worn and some almost new, no titles that Komaeda recognizes.

“Ha, found it! My idiot boyfriend thinks it’s funny to come rearrange all my stuff in his freetime. Like I’m sure he probably gets a kick out of it, like what’s more despair-inducing than cleaning a lab, frikin despair fetishist.” Matsuda sits down in a spinning chair, propping her feet up on a desk. “Hand me the clear bottle over there? Yeah, it’s right by your hand, moron.”

Komaeda hands the clear bottle over, watching Matsuda peel open a package containing an IV needle, dripping ethanol all over the desk and wiping it dry for sanitation.

“Sit down over here.” Matsuda commands, still setting up some system for drawing blood. Komaeda is in a rare state of confusion, curious as to why reserve student Hinata would be on such familiar terms with SHSL neurologist Matsuda.

“Kinda thought you chickened out, Hinata.” she says, brushing auburn hair away. It’s partially braided but obviously has been slept in a few times and the braid is pretty inadequate for containing all her hair. “Like if you can’t get a needle in your goddamn arm how are we supposed to slice your head open? I mean, you wouldn’t care much under sedation, but we still have to get the IV in.”

Komaeda shrugs, familiar enough with Matsuda to know that silence is usually the best response. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. We just have to keep moving if we’re going to do it this summer- no more chickening out. I’ll get someone to send you cutesy reminders if that’s what you need, but we’re doing this.” Matsuda ties a long elastic strap onto Komaeda’s upper arm, swabbing the crock of his elbow. “If you’re scared we can talk about it.”

“I’m not scared.” Komaeda answers, trying to pitch his voice down a bit more, like Hinata did it.

“Glad to hear it.” Matsuda is gentle with the needle, cursing momentarily silenced as she slips into a state of focus. It’s almost painless and quick, then Matsuda is writing a label on a vial and slipping it into the nearby lab fridge.

“So. Talk to me. You stay away for like, a week, then suddenly show up during class. Hell, I’m not complaining at all. Glad you came. Were you having second thoughts or anything?” Matsuda leans way too far back in her chair, somehow managing to continue making eye contact.

Komaeda averts his eyes, not wanting the different color to tip her off that he’s not Hinata. Too much interesting information for him to find out. “Thoughts like that have crossed my mind, but not seriously. I think I just need it all laid out again- keep reminding myself of the goal.”

“Okay, that’s fair. So you’re a part of the Hope Cultivation Project, combining years of research on the talents of students here with the hard work of yours truly and a few other less important neuroscientists.” Matsuda’s pale blue eyes flicker too fast between the nearby computer screen and Komaeda’s face. “The project to see whether or not it’s possible to change brains as pathetically normal as yours into the breeding ground for raw talent. That’s my job- perfectly preparing your brain, ready to pick up on anything and everything. By hyperstimulating parts of the brain, we make long term potential possible instantly.”

Komaeda blinks a few times, missing the technical terms. “Hm?”

“You didn’t read my papers? Okay, learning new things is like walking around in a forest. Places you go to more often have better paths carved. Takes a long time to make a new path though, and when you don’t use the paths, the trees grow back over them. Now imagine, for a few weeks, there were no trees. You can make as many paths as you want, it’s so much easier without the trees there, and no trees will grow on the paths you make. Now you have paths going like, everywhere.” Matsuda grins. “This is what’s going to happen. We’re going to make it possible for your brain to learn things- to carve paths- by learning the skills once. We’ll have to do repeated surgeries to re-stimulate your brain, but the whole talent acquisition process should only take like a month or two. Maybe a little longer. Then boom- you move to the main course. The hero of the school. It’ll be incredible.”

“Why me, though?” Komaeda asks next. Why Hinata, who’s failing more classes than he’s passing?

“You’re passionate about the school and without any talent.” Matsuda shrugs. “Plus your folks aren’t rich snobs and actually signed the consent forms.”

“Oh.” Komaeda considers all this new information for a moment, watching as Matsuda disposes of the used needle and the rest of the supplies. “What do I need to do next?”

“Wait for the blood test results. HPA higher-ups are still settling some stuff and we’re not starting the surgeries until June at the earliest. So I’ll just call you after the blood test stuff is finished, then I’ll probably need some data about that ordinary brain of yours. I’ll call you to let you know though.” Matsuda says. “God, this entire project is so cool. I’ve got a 24/7 science boner.”

Komaeda raises an eyebrow. “Sounds painful.”

“Eh, shut up. You’re welcome to hang out in here for a little while, and of course call if you have any questions or concerns. Just not like, between 4 AM and noon.” Matsuda focuses back on the computer screen.

“I should get going now. Thank you.” Komaeda says, standing up and poking the bandaid Matsuda stuck to his arm.

“Yeah, yeah. Come see me again soon, you lazy lab rat.” Matsuda waves without looking up.

Komaeda steps outside of the lab, taking a deep breath. He didn’t actually get the scan he came in for, but gained a lot of very interesting information to consider.

Hinata actually had a lot going for him before the switch. Komaeda feels the momentary pang of guilt again, but it’s gone before he can consider it fully.

It doesn’t take long for him to cross the grounds to the hospital. HPA has always had a small research hospital, mostly run by students from previous years. Current students, like Tsumiki, can work part-time in their fields for class credit. It’s a nice, quiet building but Komaeda has lived inside it for far too long.

Nanami answers the door to his hospital room when he knocks. She looks tired, but no more so than usual, and draws him into a hug immediately.

Komaeda stiffens, but puts his arms around her to return the hug and to shorten the duration of the contact.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” she breathes, mouth close to his ear. “And early. Come in.”

Hinata is wrapped in several blankets, still shivering, gaze focused on the wall in front of him.

“Hinata?” Nanami says, voice cautious. “Komaeda’s back.”

“Komaeda.” Hinata says slowly. The way he handles Komaeda’s voice is unsettling, stronger and lower than Komaeda ever used it. Though stuck in Komaeda’s fragile body, Hinata’s personality seems stable.

“Yes, it’s me.” Komaeda sighs, pulling up a chair. In a movement faster than expected, Hinata leans forward and grips at Komaeda’s collar.

Seeing his familiar face in real life, rather than through a mirror, is disconcerting. Even more disconcerting is the fact that Hinata looks so angry, face twisted into a form apathetic Komaeda hasn’t ever used.

Hinata opens his mouth, eyes furiously searching Komaeda’s face.

“I’m sorry.” Komaeda says quickly, realizing what the other boy was looking for. Understanding, regret, recognition maybe. “I’m really sorry this happened. I’m sorry everything is messed up now and that you’re paying the price.”

He watches the anger evaporate slowly from Hinata’s eyes, then helps him lean back down on the pillows Nanami must have helped stack up.

“I… actually really needed to hear that.” Hinata says, looking only mildly frustrated now. “It’s not your fault. It’s just unfair and sudden.”

“You’re- not angry at me?” Komaeda asks, eyes wide. “It’s my fault you’re dying now.”

Hinata hesitates. “I’m angry, but not at you. I’m angry at this entire situation.” He ends abruptly, looking like he wants to say more but not having the words for it.

Nanami touches Komaeda’s shoulder lightly. “I’m going to go back to my dorm for a little while, to shower and get more games... We can decide what to do tonight when it comes to that.”

The boys sit in silence, Hinata motionless except for occasional shivering and Komaeda keeping everything but his eyes still.

After a while his gaze comes to rest on Hinata, his thoughts following. This entire situation is an odd one, but Komaeda is beginning to understand it. The draw of understanding someone in such an intimate way is a strong one, and difficult to understand without actually experiencing it.

He’s comfortable, sitting across from his own body like this. He feels like he can understand Hinata, they’re alike in their admiration for HPA, their separation from others. Also, Komaeda thinks wryly, in their lack of any talents truly worthy of the school.

This is a real, physical connection to another human that Komaeda hasn’t felt since the death of his parents. He doesn’t find himself disliking the connection at all.

“What are our options here?” Hinata breaks the silence, eyes closed.

“Er- switching back is impossible. I doubt even someone as lucky as me could cheat like that.” Komaeda chews the inside of his cheek, thinking and rocking back and forth slightly. “You could find another person to switch with.”

“That would just kill them.”

Komaeda nods. “But you’d survive.”

Hinata makes a low angry noise in response, so that’s probably out of the question. He’s not willing to accidentally bring about the death of another, even to save himself from an early death. Hinata is truly a strange person.

“Nanami told me about your diseases.” Hinata says after a long moment. “What does dementia feel like? Is that in your head still, or is it biological and in mine?”

Komaeda tilts his head to the side, not surprised that Hinata doesn’t know much about this but mildly disappointed anyway. “I don’t know. It feels normal, I guess, but other people react to you differently. You feel like you might be doing something wrong and then this intense apathy hits you. Brains work like that, to make you think you’re normal. It’s only when you compare yourself to others that you start suspecting something is wrong.”

“How does it work though?”

Komaeda runs his fingers above his eyebrows, above his ears. “Brain tissue turning to protein mush.”

“So we’d have to talk to your doctors and see how bad it is now, right?” Hinata asks.

“Uh, yes. I tried doing that today and went to see the SHSL neurologist.” Komaeda leans forward, watching the other boy’s face. “He seemed to recognize you. Isn’t that funny?”

Hinata makes a motion to shrug, without following through. “We’ve met.”

“How?”

Hinata pauses for long enough for Komaeda to move to make eye contact. “You obviously know. Stop hinting.”

Komaeda stops, frowning. Hinata isn’t smart, not in the traditional bookish sense, but he’s perceptive. It’s just the opposite from the boy who’s spent the last year absorbing information online and only talking to a handful of people.

“Sorry, I’m sorry.” Komaeda says. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable- just wanted you to explain it.”

“It doesn’t matter now, though. They’ll just pick someone else for the project.” Hinata says with a dull sort of finality. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Okay. How are you feeling?”

“Uh,” Hinata fingers the line to his IV, looking at it as though it’s what’s killing him and like he’s powerless to take it out and save his own life. It’s not killing him though- just a visible representation of what his body is made of. Cancer and protein mush.

“Tired.” he decides after a moment. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Ah, the strange and sudden tired spells. Komaeda pulls his feet up onto his chair, resting his chin on his knees and waiting for Nanami to get back.

 


	6. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in posting the next chapter, winter hit my mental health hard. 
> 
> Comments and ideas/thoughts about the progression of the story are much appreciated and will help me to get the next chapter out ASAP.

Komaeda opens his eyes to a dark room, the window still open but showing nothing but darkness outside. A quick look at Hinata’s cell phone tells him it’s only 7:45 but feels much later for some reason.

He stretches his arms up, walking over to close the window and barely missing tripping over Nanami. She apparently walked in while the boys were sleeping and just decided to fall asleep too. At least she looks comfortable and peaceful here.

“You should call my parents.”

Komaeda is momentarily disoriented to hear his own voice in the dark, but it’s just Hinata. He turns on a lamp, checking to make sure Hinata is okay.

“Nanami just came in here and fell asleep.” Komaeda points out, nudging the girl’s leg with his foot. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Like I can’t breathe.” Hinata answers, sighing. “The oxygen tube things help though.”

“Oh.” They’re not “oxygen tube things” but Komaeda doesn’t feel like explaining, so he pulls out Hinata’s phone and calls his stepdad.

It rings only once before the man picks up. “Hey, son.”

“I’m sleeping over at a friend’s house tonight.” Komaeda says flatly. “See you tomorrow.”

“Remember- safe sex. See you tomorrow and call if you need a ride.”

Komaeda hangs up and stares at the phone for a moment. Parents are stranger than he thought. “Your stepdad is quite the interesting person.”

“Yeah. My mom can get pretty awful but he’s cool.” Hinata pauses, thinking. “She’ll probably be mad about us switching.”

“Why?”

He raises his hands slightly, skin looking even paler in the dim light and fingers shaky. “She’s never found someone compatible like that with her. She and my dad thought they could make their marriage work without that kind of bond, but he switched with someone else a few years ago and my mom left him. Kind of a sore subject in our family.”

Komaeda drapes a blanket over Nanami’s head before turning on the light. “That’s sad.”

“Eh.” Hinata blinks rapidly, adjusting to the brighter room. “Your- this body is so weak. I feel like sleeping all the time.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe if you cut down on pain medication it’d be better, I got really tired and loopy when my dose was higher.” Komaeda suggests, pushing a chair right up again the bed. Hinata watches silently as he slings his legs over the back of the chair, resting his head on the edge of the bed.

“We probably need to tell everyone. At least some of your doctors and Matsuda.” Hinata reaches out his hand to meet Komaeda’s, the motion seemingly unconscious. “Are you okay with not going to my classes tomorrow, and instead we’ll figure out how bad this all is?”

Komaeda nods, strangely content. “Your classes are pretty awful anyway. How are you doing so poorly in them?”

Hinata pulls his hand back. “That’s rude.”

“I- was just curious.” Komaeda frowns. “You don’t seem that unintelligent, why are you failing?”

“I’m not going to answer if you’re going to be rude.”

“Fine. Why… why don’t your grades reflect your obviously high intellect and ability to do homework?”

Hinata is messing with his IV now, which is probably not a good idea. “I don’t show up to class all the time and my teachers get pissed about that. Homework rarely gets done completely because it’s boring. My classes are disappointing and I don’t care much about succeeding in this particular program.”

“Oh.” Komaeda bites his lip to keep from commenting on this. How did Hinata even get into this school?

Nanami ends up staying over too, the nurses kindly turning a blind eye to the odd sleeping arrangements in Komaeda’s hospital room. Hinata watches as the other two pile up blankets to try to make a soft place to sleep, then give up. Komaeda ends up sleeping draped over two chairs and the foot of the bed and Nanami doesn’t sleep at all, deciding to play video games all night.

In the morning they begin the process of explaining what happened, first to the nurse on duty and then to the doctors that come in after. An angry and tired looking Hinata stays still for far too many tests, Komaeda gets his blood drawn for the second time in as many days. Someone sends a severely sleep-deprived Nanami off to school, leaving the boys overwhelmed.

Sometime in the early afternoon, Matsuda shows up, waving a student ID and folder of papers at everyone who’s currently in the hospital room. She glares at them and continues to shake papers until they leave, apparently even doctors and nurses scared of the auburn-haired genius.

“So. Komaeda, Hinata.” Matsuda says calmly, tapping the folder on the bedpost to reorganize the papers inside. “You guys want to explain what the hell is going on?”

“We switched.” Komaeda answers, frowning.

“You lied to me yesterday. I have put months of work into this project and into your recovery, Nagito Komaeda.” Matsuda takes a deep breath, pale eyes turning to Hinata. “We need to go to my lab and figure out what the damage is. There’s a small chance we might be able to salvage the project.”

“Really?” Hinata leans up.

Matsuda doesn’t answer, walking out into the hall to find a wheelchair. Komaeda helps move Hinata from his bed, inwardly surprised at how calm Matsuda seems. She’s angry almost all of the time, but when there’s something to be legitimately angry about, she just seems resigned.

“This is weird.” Hinata mutters, looking around passively as Komaeda pushes the wheelchair through hallways and to the door. Matsuda seems immersed in reading results of the tests and other patient records that she probably wasn’t allowed to take out of the room but did anyway.

“What’s weird?” Komaeda gestures for Matsuda to open the door and the auburn haired girl completely misses the cue. Heaving a sigh, he opens the door by pushing against it with his back, pulling Hinata through after him.

“Being out of the room.” Hinata’s voice is distant, as though he’s speaking more to himself than to Komaeda. “Being in your body in a familiar world.”

Komaeda thought it might be nice for the other boy to get some sun, since judging from the original tanned state of his skin he probably spent a lot of time out there. Hinata doesn’t look happy, though- he looks tired, hands shaking a startling amount.

“Uh, Hinata?” Komaeda hesitantly reaches for one of the shaking hands, pale and fragile in his own. Hinata doesn’t move to stop him, just leans back and closes his eyes. Shakiness wasn’t one of Komaeda’s symptoms- a side effect of some meds, but not like this. Nothing like this.

“Damn.” Matsuda whispers, finally looking up from her stolen papers. “This is odd.”

Komaeda isn’t even sure the other boy is conscious right now, like maybe Hinata just decided to fall asleep outside in the quiet afternoon sunshine. “What’s going on?”

Matsuda doesn’t answer right away, instead tugging at her hair, pulling long bangs out of the messy braid she wears it in. “It’s- too early to say for sure.”

School isn’t over yet, so they don’t pass by many students on their way to the biology building. The few students outside stare, looking at the reserve course student dressed like he slept in his clothes, pushing an unconscious and obviously ill boy and being led by a quiet and serious Matsuda.

When they get to the lab, once again in the dim fluorescents of the indoors, Hinata stirs enough to let them know he’s still alive. Matsuda calls the nurse girl Komaeda dislikes so much, and while they wait for her they start preparing Komaeda for a CT scan. The lab is eerily silent, the consuming quiet broken only by Matsuda’s demands.

He’s so used to this though- radioactive dye in his veins, clothes abandoned for an equipment-safe hospital gown, the dull whir of machinery encased in off-white plastic.

Matsuda doesn’t comment on the binder Komaeda leaves on, and in fact shows no signs of even caring about the sex of the body he now inhabits. They’re on the same page with that.

Tsumiki shows up a few minutes after Komaeda starts his scan, and after it finishes he moves aside and lets the other two focus on assessing Hinata and exactly how dead he is. He goes to the one last quiet corner of the lab to get dressed again, then maybe to fall asleep on the cot in here.

“So you’re the boy with the brain of mush, huh.” a male voice says, startling Komaeda. He finishes buttoning his shirt before answering, calming himself with the moment of methodical action.

“I guess that’s me.” he turns, meeting bright blue eyes. “Who are you?”

“Junko Enoshima.” the boy extends a hand to shake, sitting on a lab table in a way that manages to look both comfortable and intimidatingly attractive. He’s short, maybe 5’7”, and that’s counting two inch heels. Bleach-blond hair frames the unnaturally blue eyes, sharply and uncomfortably focused on Komaeda’s face.

“You’re a student here?” he asks, stepping back.

“A first year, actually.” Junko smiles. “That would explain why we haven’t met. My talent is fashion- but it’s odd that you haven’t heard of me or seen my photos everywhere. Have you been living under a rock for the past few years?”

He laughs, while Komaeda frowns. Of course the pretty boy has to be an airhead, because no one is lucky enough to have talent, looks, and personality.

“How do you like the new body? It’s a second chance for you, huh. Maybe Hinata will die and we’ll have to use you for the Hope Cultivation project.” Junko says casually, leaning back. “Luck is a pretty insignificant talent so the project might still work.”

“What?”

“You hadn’t thought about that yet? Komaeda, what a neat opportunity that would be. I changed my mind, your luck is real enough- you swapped with the one reserve course student with potential value.”

Komaeda shakes his head slightly. “Why are you telling me this?”

“So you can work it to your advantage?” Junko tilts his head to the side, eyes still fixed on Komaeda. “I’m just helping a new friend out. If you want to be the symbol of hope, it might not be impossible to achieve.”

Komaeda opens his mouth, unsure what he means to say, but another voice cuts him off.

“Junko, why are you not in class?” Matsuda demands. Junko rises gracefully, sending a pointed glance to Komaeda before joining the others.

“I heard there was a crisis of some sort. This is more exciting than I had planned though. Komaeda and I have already made friends!” Junko smiles, something unsettling in his eyes. Matsuda simply blinks, then sighs and gets back to work.

“Hi, Komaeda.” Tsumiki says, waving but keeping her eyes fixed on Hinata, currently in the CT machine. Komaeda merely nods in response, not in the mood to risk interacting with her further.

Matsuda gestures for everyone to stop talking, picking through results of the CT scans. The greyscale images mean nothing to Komaeda, but he appreciates the colorful ones, even if he can’t understand them. These results are all in greys, though, so he stops paying attention.

“This is interesting.” Matsuda says after a few minutes. “I’ll have to analyze this for a while to figure out exactly how screwed we all are, but…”

Komaeda looks up, picking out the dementia-rotten part of the brain on the screen easily. Is this a scan of his brain or Hinata’s?

“Did he get the dementia too?” Komaeda asks, voice breathy and carrying a tone of urgency that he can’t control. He feels like he can’t breathe, but he’s not sick anymore- what is this?

“Yeah… Your brain is almost completely normal, maybe some residual behavioral issues, but those will likely resolve after your brain chemically adjusts to this healthy structure. You’re not dying, Komaeda.” Matsuda leans back from the screen, rubbing her forehead with a closed fist. “Good luck on your part, I guess.”

“But- how is Hinata?” he could hardly care less about the state of his own brain.

Matsuda shrugs. “Dementia-wise, about as well-off as you were before. It’s taking a little while for you both to adjust, so he’ll really only get worse from here. Strangely enough, the portion of the brain affected is slightly different- even a centimeter off can change the effects of brain damage drastically. It seems to be affecting his physical abilities more, as evidenced by the shaking and position of the damage.”

Tsumiki narrows her eyes slightly, trying to pick information out of scans she likely doesn’t know much about. “So he doesn’t have the behavioral variant that Komaeda had?”

“This is probably corticobasal, not behavioral like it was before. Brains do weird stuff and body switching is a mess already even without terminal diseases.” Matsuda says. “We’ll do what we can for as long as we can, but there’s no cure for dementia.”

Komaeda clutches at his shirt, confused. “Hinata is definitely dying? And I’m- not?”

“Nothing is definite. I’ll try to give him an estimate, but I can’t see him living for more than 6 months with this.” Matsuda gestures to the image of the brain, dark grey seeping in at the edges and completely overtaking part of the front.

Komaeda isn’t entirely sure what happens after that, but he ends up outside, gasping in the bright sunshine. Why is he feeling like this? Why does he care?

He tries to convince himself that he’s just mourning the loss of his plan to die, but that’s not it. It’s not until he discovers his eyes are wet with tears- for the first time in years- that he realizes the real turn the luck cycle has taken.

He cares now. Somehow, he cares about the stubborn, quiet, warm boy back in Matsuda’s lab. Hinata is dying because of Komaeda, and this is nothing but bad luck.

For once, Komaeda cares about someone, and he’s going to lose them.

****  
  



	7. Trust/Mistrust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, it's been a year. Yikes.

Surveying the other people in the room, Komaeda determines that he and Hinata aren’t the strangest couple, but Hinata is definitely the sickest. There’s a girl with tattoos and piercings, standing awkwardly in a knee-length dress that vaguely reminds Komaeda of attending long-ago church sermons. Beside her stands a different girl with long brown hair and an angry expression to match dark punk clothes.

  
Komaeda shifts slightly, realizing that he and Hinata are well matched compared to some of the others here. At least they’re the same gender, and don’t have to deal with the confusion of switching into an entirely foreign identity and life. There’s a couple near them, a girl clearly under 5 feet tall and a guy easily over 6 feet, tucking his arms in nervously as she spreads out casually beside him.

  
Right now, Komaeda can feel himself dissolving in the low rumble of voices, out-of-place voices from unfamiliar bodies. He’s content to not be here right now, to be spread like dust in the room, experiencing everything and nothing all at once.

  
“You okay?” Hinata asks suddenly, voice startling Komaeda. They had both been surprised to discover that Komaeda’s voice could actually sound normal and masculine when used by Hinata. Conversely, the voice Komaeda uses now is probably more feminine than Hinata’s ever used, breathy and light.

  
They’re not a perfect pair, Komaeda thinks, but they certainly complement each other well. It’s been a week since they switched, and despite the blows they’ve received since then and Matsuda’s five-month approximation for Hinata’s life, they’re doing okay. Ignoring the deadline approaching is the best coping method they’ve found so far.  
If they can ignore it, it’s not real.

  
“I’m okay. Just…” Komaeda lifts his hands, spreading fingers wide in an interpretation of his mind sweeping away. “Too many people here.”

 

“I’ve noticed.” Hinata’s eyes are half-closed, like he’s concentrating or sleepy, Komaeda can’t tell which. “Too loud.”

  
Komaeda presses his hand to Hinata’s, lacing his fingers with the other boy’s. Hinata doesn’t move but glares at him, which seems like a grudging acceptance of holding hands, and that’s good enough for Komaeda.

  
“Don’t get sleepy yet. Remember, you’re seeing your friends after this.” Komaeda offers. Most of their classmates would throw a party after switching, so that family and friends could get to know each other and to celebrate the exciting event. Komaeda doesn’t have any family or friends besides Nanami, and Hinata’s family already knows about the switching and have already met Komaeda. So really it’s just Hinata’s friends to deal with. Hopefully Naegi doesn’t cry the entire time, like he’s done on the phone for several days now.

  
“Hello everyone, welcome to the first meeting of the adjustment workshop. You’re here because recently, you met someone who may become very important to you- and they now have your body.” a friendly female voice says, coming from an adult with a microphone. The other voices fade out, as dozens of eyes turn towards the voice.

  
“This workshop is designed to help you adjust to your new body, form a meaningful relationship with your partner, and decide what you want to do in the future. Come up and receive a worksheet and a few other important papers, and get to work with your partner!”

  
The angry-looking girl passes back papers to Komaeda, which he scans quickly.

  
“Okay, which do you want to do first? One about trust or about reforming your identity?” Komaeda asks, shuffling through the papers to gather Hinata’s attention. Hinata takes a long moment to consider, then decides to silently read the one about reforming one’s identity.

  
Clearly trusting each other isn’t the top priority. Komaeda frowns slightly, but he takes the other copy and starts scanning it.

  
He finishes reading the first paragraph, then looks up to see if Hinata is following along. He’s… sleeping, actually. Komaeda looks around the room, quieter now with the separate conversations taking place, the lower rumble of people working together.

  
This is fine. He can just complete the worksheets by himself.

  
Komaeda clicks a pen absently, sifting through questions and answering the ones he can easily answer. His name- Nagito Komaeda. Favorite color- green, maybe, but he likes a lot of colors. Favorite food, hobbies, major life events. The next questions make him pause- height, weight, hair color. Gender. He’s a boy, right?

  
He hesitates for a moment, then leaves it blank. Being designated male doesn’t necessarily mean he’s male, and this body was designated female. Komaeda doesn’t really care either way but the question requires further thought. Later.

  
The worksheet finishes after a few dozen more questions, reconstructing Komaeda’s identity. The last few pages are instructions to claim the body as one’s own through clothing, haircuts, motions, language. It’s complex and Komaeda’s sense of self is vague.

  
His own concept of himself is mostly just that of a corpse. Pale, blue, not breathing. Six feet under. If he was asked to describe himself a few weeks ago, he would have described his funeral. Empty, gloomy, quiet. Like an obligation more than a mourning.

  
Now, he might as well be the old Hinata. He’s been trying to fake it as best he can- the bored gaze, the silent fury and unrest, the passion to become one of the talented students. He’s been faking the care Hinata shows others, he’s been faking that he’s a natural occupant in his body.

  
Hinata, for all his shortcomings, isn’t a liar. He’s never made a motion to pretend to be Komaeda. He’s never compromised his sense of self, even dying and sleeping like he is now.

  
Komaeda drops his pen and brushes his fingertips to Hinata’s. Sometime in the past few days he’s started to feel something warm and different. He’s started to feel love, care for someone else. It’s scary to him and unusual but comforting by nature.

  
It’s comforting to have someone else to live for.

  
He’s just worried about what happens after Hinata’s gone.

  
Komaeda finished the worksheet with less and less of the enthusiasm he started out with, and starts to scan the others. There are some happy stories of those who swapped and fell in love, and two about people who swapped and parted ways. There’s one about a double swap, where someone found two soulmates. There’s a brief mention that many never find theirs, and that some people likely don’t have one.

  
Nanami will never have to worry about this.

  
Komaeda drops the papers, and spaces out for the remainder of the meeting. Everyone lets him dissociate and his partner sleep, as if sensing that they’ve been through enough already, without being made to participate in group activities. He gets a self help book at the end, and another for Hinata, then packs them both in the bottom of the wheelchair with the worksheets. Maybe sometime before next week they can sort through them.

  
He walks out into the sun with Hinata, still sleeping, or perhaps just pretending to sleep so he doesn’t have to talk. Komaeda is okay with this, either way, still not used to keeping up conversations that aren’t related to adjusting his medications. What a relief to not have to do that anymore. What a bittersweet, unwelcome relief.

  
The party is supposed to be held in a classroom at HPA. On a Sunday like today, the school will most likely be quiet but not deserted- students working on projects or hanging out but few reserve course students. Komaeda heads over to the main classrooms, a building he’s entered only a handful of times over the last year. The science building is nearby, undoubtedly containing the SHSL neuroscientist right now. Matsuda wouldn’t take time off to go to someone’s party, much less a party for two people likely to be dead before the school year ends.

  
They pass by a handful of students in open classrooms, some working feverishly on assignments and others seemingly doing little but showing off their skills in art or sports. The amount of practice that goes into some talents really is surprising. Komaeda wonders what that make his talent- not a product of hard work. It’s something he was born with, and maybe that makes it less legitimate.

  
He discards the thought, shaking Hinata awake. “Hey! We’re almost there.”

  
Hinata slowly blinks, hazel eyes bringing color to his otherwise colorless features. Sleeping, he looks dead. Komaeda thinks for a moment that maybe, perhaps, Hinata’s soul is bringing life back into his body. Maybe the eyes are just a sign of the vitality rushing in.

  
Then Hinata chokes, trying to breathe, and Komaeda discards the thought. No, his body is just pushing down a healthy soul. His body is just killing Hinata.

  
“Where are we?” Hinata manages after a moment, narrowing his eyes at Komaeda as if he’s a kidnapper. Right, he wouldn’t have spent time in the main course building. Of course this isn’t familiar to him.

  
“We’re on the third floor of the main building.” Komaeda says, not bothering to specify where exactly. Hinata should know that they’re at the school.

  
Hinata closes his eyes. “Did I miss anything at the- meeting?”

  
“No, I saved all the worksheets.”

  
“That’s good.” Hinata forces a smile. “Have to make sure I’m caught up on homework before I keel over.”

  
Komaeda looks away, continuing to push the wheelchair down the hall to room 316. It’s a foreign languages classroom, and he hears voices before he gets there.

  
The tiny computer girl pushes open the door, having been watching. She opens her mouth, then focuses on Hinata for a moment. She searches his eyes, then just steps aside.  
There’s nothing happy about this party for Hinata’s friends. They don’t want to celebrate him dying. If Komaeda had friends then they might be happy, but Nanami is just numb and torn between the two of them.

  
“Hi, guys!” Naegi runs up, bumping his hip into a desk and almost tripping. “Glad you made it.”

  
He doesn’t look glad, his nose and eyes are red and he looks like he’s been crying. For days.

  
“Thanks, dude.” Hinata offers a shaky fist and Naegi fist bumps him with all the enthusiasm and strength of one defusing a bomb. That is to say, with a lot of hesitation and not much force.

  
Hinata notices, but his expression doesn’t change. “How have you been?”

  
“Great.” Naegi smiles. “I had a social studies test and got 90% on it last week.”

 

Hinata nods appreciatively. “You’re going places.”

  
Naegi turns away. Unlike Hinata, he’s got a life ahead of him. This party is already a terrible idea.

  
Kirigiri stands by an assortment of “party food,” which consists mainly of that which can be bought at a gas station and an unimpressive homemade cake that reads in small, hesitant cursive, “Congratulations!”

  
Komaeda releases the wheelchair and goes to examine the snacks, painfully aware that his body hasn’t eaten since breakfast. This body requires so much nourishment, it’s ridiculous. He tentatively takes a sweet bean bun and sits on the side of everything, watching. Nanami sits beside him, as they watch Hinata alternate between talking to Chihiro and Naegi, and struggling to breathe.

  
“How are you feeling?” Nanami asks, eyes unfocused. She looks tired.

  
Komaeda shrugs. “Hungry.”

  
“Besides that?”

  
He hesitates, gaze drifting out the window. It’s getting colder outside, and he wonders how that will affect Hinata’s health. Probably negatively.

  
“Guilty.” he settles for that.

  
“He seems to be handling it well, considering.” Nanami leans back, grabbing a bottle of strawberry juice. “Maybe it’ll all be over before his emotions catch up.”

  
Komaeda nods silently, watching as Naegi exits the room with a bathroom excuse. It’s very likely that he’s leaving to sob for a few minutes but neither Komaeda nor Nanami feel like dealing with that right now.

  
Surprisingly, Kirigiri follows him.

  
“This is a very difficult situation.” Nanami points out, as if Komaeda wasn’t aware of that. He waits for her to continue but she doesn’t, leaving the observation hanging.

  
“I guess.” he shrugs. “Not much to be done, though.”

  
She sips her juice for a long moment. “If a level is made to be unbeatable, then you have to cheat. Cheat or find a glitch.”


	8. Autonomy/Shame & Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw masturbation at the end

Komaeda stands at the door of his second year classroom, looking out at the 77th class of Hope’s Peak Academy. He didn’t get to attend classes with them for very long, and they’re unfamiliar.

Well, he knows everything about them that can be found online. The blonde girl glaring at him from the front row is a dancer. The redhead is a photographer. There’s a chef. A psychologist. A musician. Matsuda should be here but her seat, this early in the morning, is decidedly empty, along with five others.

He feels eyes on him, and takes a seat in the back. Was he always the anxious?

Komaeda presses his hands to his chest, looking down at the tanned hands he controls. This body has never been in this class. Probably none of the other students even remember him, in either body.

His heart is beating fast, his stomach feels empty and sick, and he’s thinking that going to school was a mistake.

“Hey, Komaeda.” Nanami says as she walks in the door, sleepy voice matching dark undereye circles. Darker than usual.

“Hey.” he replies quietly enough to not draw attention. At least, that would be the case if everyone wasn’t already paying attention. “You look really tired.”

“Yeah.” she frowns. “I haven’t- been able to sleep much.”

This is new. Komaeda raises an eyebrow, about to ask more about it, when a girl sits on Nanami’s other side and introduces herself.

“Hi!” she says, fists vibrating on her desk’s surface. “You look new and Ibuki always takes it upon herself to help out new kids!”

“We’ve met.” Komaeda answers, taken aback by how loud she is. The talented class is never dull.

“We have?” Ibuki jumps up, moving to rest her chin on Komaeda’s desk. “No, no, no, no, no, Ibuki would have remembered such a cute friend. Ibuki would have asked her out, and then-”

She? Komaeda freezes, never having been called that. He’s never been assumed female, but for some reason Ibuki heard his voice and just assumed. Is it inaccurate?

He crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back. It’s just a word. It’s just an idea she had. It doesn’t mean anything.

Then why does the body feel repulsed, disgusted? It’s internal, but also not really distinguishable from Komaeda’s own thoughts. He feels sick. He feels restless. He feels- scared.

“This is Komaeda, the friend I told you about.” Nanami says sleepily. “He used to go to this school. He’s a boy.”

Ibuki dramatically looks under the table, kicking Komaeda’s leg hard. “Pants! Everything makes sense to Ibuki now. She has lost all interest in her new crush now. Boo.”

Komaeda wishes she wasn’t so loud. He wishes he was invisible.

“We have tests coming up soon.” Nanami mutters. “Bad time to come back to school.”

“Important tests?” Komaeda didn’t remember many students caring about their performance in school- the only thing that mattered was improving their talents.

She shrugs. “To get federal funding we have to be the best of the best. Without good scores the school will lose more money. There goes funding for science and art, sports, everything that keeps us in the public eye. There goes the rest of our money. There goes the school.”

“What about the money from the reserve course?”

“Who wants to go to a failing school?” Nanami frowns, looking down at her empty desk. “No one will pay to go here without the reputation.”

HPA’s reputation, if Komaeda is being honest with himself, is more powerful than anything else about it. Founded during the reconstruction of Japan, it’s an Americanized school with many international students. It’s individualized, focused on helping those with hard-earned talents succeed at everything they put their minds to. For lazy people, or talentless people, it offers nothing but role models. Komaeda has been obsessed with the school for as long as he can remember, which was probably the beginning of his luck.

But it’s true what Nanami says- if the reputation is lost, there’s nothing to the school anymore. It’ll fall apart. While Komaeda doubts his scores would have much of an impact, he decides to study until the exams and do his school proud. After all, he likely only has just over a year left until graduation. Not much time to help.

He’s an anxious mess during morning classes, Nanami no better as a sleepwalker beside him. As soon as it’s time for lunch, Komaeda runs outside, into the cool air and light wind of the outdoors. He didn’t bring lunch, as he’s been living at the hospital again. He went back to Hinata’s house to get clothes while his family was gone, and they haven’t been to see their dying kid or the asshole who stole his healthy body.

The body needs food but Komaeda never has money and ends up hyperventilating behind the main building, facing the rest of the grounds and the city beyond that.

“Komaeda?” a voice calls, nearby and male. He looks up, skin crawling. He’s unnerved and unstable. He’s not up for conversing.

It’s Junko, wearing taller heels than than he was last week, looking as though he’s posing for a Fall photoshoot. He leans against the wall, cigarette in one hand, school bag in the other. A girl sits on the grass beside him, short black hair framing a round face, a wide mouth.

Komaeda places her instantly as Mukuro Ikusaba, a class below him. He knows nothing about her personally, but she has an unassuming presence for someone that could likely snap his neck at any given moment. She has a few very full trays of food beside her, on either side of one of Junko’s boots.

“Come sit with us.” Junko says, his voice low and powerful. He smiles, smoke unfurling in a halo around his blond head. “Hungry?”

“I guess.” he says, sitting a few feet away from Mukuro. “I was going to head over to the cafeteria but I was never issued a new card for this year.”

Junko smiles. “Mukuro here is always bringing way too much for us and we’re happy to share. It’s good motivation to keep my slim figure, if you help eat my portion.”

“Oh. Thank you.” Komaeda takes the tray that Junko pushes towards him. He doesn’t know what else to say, either to Junko or Mukuro, who’s staring at him.

“You probably haven’t met, have you.” Junko slides down the wall, sitting between them. “Komaeda, this is Mukuro, my twin sister. My dearest older sister. Mukuro, he’s the mushbrained cancer patient with an unlucky streak. Or was, rather. Healthy body now?”

“Mostly healthy.” Komaeda frowns. “It just- gives me weird reactions to things.”

Junko nods energetically. “If you’re talking sexually, ask anyone with your anatomy how to get off.”

Komaeda reddens but Junko just continues as if it’s not an awkward subject.

“Thank god I switched so young, I don’t even remember not having a dick. No learning curve for me. My advice is just go with someone experienced and let them take the lead, do what feels right to your body.” Junko continues unnecessarily.

Mukuro, who Komaeda originally took for a good-girl soldier, is nodding at what Junko says like she agrees.

“No, no, it has nothing to do with sex.” Komaeda truthfully hasn’t even thought about that. “Emotional reactions.”

He starts eating, body impatient with food so close by.

“Oh?” Junko tilts his head. “Oh, oh?”

“I didn’t feel much before.” he says after a moment of shoveling rice into his mouth. “I was a living corpse. Now I can feel much more but a lot of it is uncomfortable.”

Junko nods quickly. “I see. Like what?”

“Guilt.” he grabs a few more bites. “A different sense of identity. Caring. Friendship. It’s overwhelming.”

“Guilt over Hinata.” he elaborates on Komaeda’s jumbled thoughts. “Over killing him.”

“I guess.”

Junko signs. “We’re all small people, Komaeda. Even beautiful people are small, small in our limited abilities. We’re all here because of a single talent, one thing that sets us apart from others. We’re still so limited in our abilities to help.”

“That’s just the way it works, I guess.” Komaeda finishes the rice and opens a carton of milk.

“If we combined Matsuda’s neuroscience with Tsumiki’s nursing, with a dozen doctor’s talents, then we could change something. With enough knowledge, enough power, anything could be possible.” Junko smiles. “Hinata can still be saved.”

“With the hope cultivation project?” Komaeda asks. “The- brain optimization thing.”

Junko claps his hands together. “God, no. No, ew, there’s no reason to turn swiss cheese into gold, that’d be useless! Matsuda will figure this out soon- the way Hinata’s brain is going, there’s not going to be enough left to use.”

“Then there’s not a way to save him.”

“Maybe. We would need someone talented enough to find a cure, Komaeda. That’s what would save him.” Junko shrugs. “It’ll be so difficult to find a better reserve course student, after Matsuda has already done so much work on Hinata’s brain and body.”

When no one says anything, he continues.

“This project is going to save the school, I’m telling you. The most talented person alive. The cumulation of talent from the last forty years that the school’s been running. Think of how they could change the school. Think of how they could change the world.”

Komaeda and Mukuro again are silent, and Junko puts out his cigarette on the school wall. “I better be off. See you later, Komaeda, See you in class, sis.”

Komaeda shudders, watching Junko go.

He barely makes it through the rest of the day, feeling like he wants to leap out of his skin the entire time. School is exhausting.

When he gets back to the hospital, Hinata is sleeping. It seems like he always is, and Komaeda can’t help but to be frustrated. Why waste your remaining time sleeping?

“He can’t help it.” Nanami says, yawning like she wants to sleep forever too. “He’s in a lot of pain.”

“I guess.” Komaeda stares at the sleeping boy, hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Komaeda almost never did that with his hair, but of course Hinata doesn’t want it getting in his mouth or in his face while sleeping. Hinata is so much smarter than him.

“You have some free time, here.” Nanami offers, taking a seat away from the window and pulling out several consoles from her backpack. She planned ahead and brought cords to hook things up to the shitty TV in the room.

“Oh?” It’s true that Komaeda is sick of just watching Hinata sleep, but he doesn’t really have anything better than that to do.

She nods slowly. “You should head home and bring your stuff to the dorms here. You have one and a half years to live here and most of your clothing and everything is over there.”

His house isn’t too far from here, maybe thirty minutes. It would be nice to have more clothes but he can always buy more and wears a uniform most of the time. His old clothes might not even fit this body.

But he realizes that Nanami doesn’t mean just to go to get clothing, she wants him to have some time to think about himself, about his parents. She wants him to remember a life outside the dying boy in the hospital room. It’s part of some subtle plan to get him to not kill himself after Hinata’s gone and he can appreciate the thought that went into it.

Since he has nothing better to do, he’ll indulge it, and starts the trip.

Komaeda takes the subway for part of the trip but has to switch to bus to travel just past the outer edge of the city. The buildings get smaller and smaller, and Komaeda gets off the bus.

It’s quiet. He doesn’t see anyone, hears a few children calling to each other but they’re out of sight. It’s eerie, being alone. It’s more comfortable but strangely unnerving.

The key to get inside his house is buried. The flowers that bloomed last time he was here, before he was diagnosed, are long dead now. It only takes him a moment to scrape through their bodies and find the key. With that he needs the code to unlock the door, which now only he knows. He wrote it down somewhere for Nanami, so she could get in once he was dead.

Though he calls it a house, it’s huge, far bigger than Hinata’s. It’s like an entire school building on its own and it’s entirely, completely deserted. It’s silent and everything is covered in dust.

Komaeda locks the door behind him, slipping off his shoes. “Hello.”

The dusty kitchen is silent, and thankfully he remembered to throw things from the fridge away before he left. He rummages through the cabinets and finds a package of crackers that’s probably still good, then eats then on the way to the living room.

The halls are cold. Thankfully the lights still work, he’s kept up with that somehow. The living room is dead too, along with the theater room and the other rooms on the level.

Upstairs are the bedrooms. Komaeda enters his parents’ bedroom but it feels lifeless. He has no memories associated with this room, despite the fact that he was likely conceived here. Most people would be disgusted by that but Komaeda finds he doesn’t really mind. Gingerly he touches the cleanly made bed, wondering who made it after they had died. A maid? A family member? Himself?

The closet in the room still has their coats, their old clothes. They don’t feel familiar either. He doesn’t remember them well.

He closes the door behind him. Saying goodbye to his parents happened ages ago, he doesn’t need to do it again. It’s not like they were perfect before, they neglected him even while they were still around. They had ridiculous standards he could never meet. He doesn’t miss them.

His old bedroom is a lot more familiar. It has a lot of middle school stuff, too-small clothes, posters and brochures related to HPA. It only takes a moment of looking around to realize that Komaeda really doesn’t want any of this. There are some pictures of him with his auburn hair, shorter, skin more tanned from occasionally being exposed to sun. He doesn’t look happy in the pictures, just serious. Serious and small.

But now he’s so different. Even when he was healthy, he was never strong, never looked sturdy. Watery eyes set in a thin face give him a sickly appearance before anything was even wrong. It makes him wonder if the sickness was always growing inside, if he’s never been healthy.

He’s healthy now. Komaeda lays back on his bed, dusty and smelling of old soap. He raises one hand, one brown, freckled hand. He’s stronger, sturdier.

He remembers Junko’s words. This is his body now, but he keeps moving around it respectfully, trying to honor Hinata somehow. Isn’t it time he realized what he has? What he’ll be living with?  
Or dying with?

Slowly, Komaeda unbuttons his shirt, his pants, lying there on the bed in nothing but socks and underwear. After a moment he slips those off too, struggling for a moment to get the binder off.

Honestly, he would have thought this body beautiful no matter who it belonged to. Now it’s his, and despite the fact that it’s foreign territory, it’s his. It’s a body just like he had.

His tanned, square hands rest on his shoulders, moving down his sides. It’s a normal body. It feels like the other one did, but healthy. He can breathe. He’s not in pain.

Hesitating, he examines the forbidden area, his breasts. They don’t look like Komaeda’s limited experience with porn magazines, they look looser. Less pink. They’re soft under his hands but it doesn’t really feel sexual. Even brushing over his nipples does nothing. This is fairly surprising, as he was pretty sensitive here before. Maybe that sensitivity has been transferred to Hinata.  

He drops his hands, slowly exploring the new anatomy. It’s different, so different, but feels good. He’s unfamiliar with how everything works down here, but has time to figure it out. Gently, he sucks two fingers, getting them slick with saliva before putting them back.

Komaeda’s had experiences getting off before, but it was considerably faster. This is harder. Rationally thinking, he should be able to insert fingers or something but finding the opening is surprisingly difficult and the last thing he wants is to hurt himself by sticking fingers where fingers shouldn’t go. This in mind, he closes his eyes, focusing on the clitoris.

His previous experiences were much easier and quicker but less intimate. Less pleasurable, maybe. His breaths are heavy and his thighs quiver.

When he finally comes it’s not nearly as intense but longer, more intimate with himself. It surprises him that he just shakes, moaning into his pillow. His body feels tight and slightly, comfortably sore.

There’s no mess afterwards, but it’s still so different to just get dressed without cleaning. He leaves the old photos, old clothes, everything from before. This isn’t his life now and he doesn’t care for it.

He’s going back to school, back to Hinata.

 


	9. Initiative/Guilt

It’s at 3 A.M., a week later, when Komaeda realizes the mistake he’s made by moving back into the dorms. Matsuda can find him at any hour of the day, and is in fact supposed to sleep in the room down the hall from his. There’s a knock, startling him awake, ripping him right now of a dream.

It was something about his childhood, because he felt tiny and helpless. Weirdly enough, it wasn’t his old body. It was this younger version of his current body, very long brown hair and too many bandaids covering scrapes and bruises. He felt safe with long hair, protected from everything he couldn't see. He was tanned and bouncy in the dream. Komaeda was never bouncy.

Well, he’s awake now. Pulling the blanket off his bed to wrap around his shoulders, he stands up and goes to open the door.

It’s Matsuda, breathing heavily. “Fuck, I gotta get out of my lab to work out. Stairs are killing me.”

“Good morning?” Komaeda frowns. “Shouldn’t you be asleep…?”

“Yeah. I’m in the middle of something hugely important and needed your asshole brain. Got a couple moments?”

“No.” he answers immediately.

Matsuda narrows her eyes. “Not to treat Hinata?”

“Maybe.”

She looks like she hasn’t slept in days, but enthusiastically grabs his hand. “Let’s go.”

“Wait, I have to-” Komaeda gestures to his body, covered by the blanket.

“I do not care about your tits, let’s go.”

Komaeda at least needs to put on pants, so he yanks away from her to retrieve them and a large enough hoodie to disguise the fact that he doesn’t sleep in a bra. He grabs shoes and follows Matsuda through the chilly night air to the science building.

“I’ve been working on this for days.” she says, rubbing her eyes. “This shitty problem, of him dying. I think I have- maybe- a way around it.”

“What?” Komaeda stops mid-yawn, surprised. “How?”

She pauses to unlock the science building door with her PDA. “It’s not for sure. That’s why you’re here now, to see how likely it is to work. This is a huge secret, Komaeda. You can’t tell anyone or the school will sue your ass.”

“My ass can handle it.”

“Rich motherfucker.” Matsuda frowns, opting to take the elevator instead of more stairs. “You have to sign a confidentiality agreement. This is serious shit.”

Matsuda may look like a high school girl, but swears like an adult man. Or a twelve year old boy. Or Nanami playing a first person shooter.

“I get it.” Komaeda opens the lab door after it’s unlocked, noting that it smells like ramen inside. Of course this body is hungry, even at 3 A.M. Matsuda seems to sense this and makes more right away.

“Take a seat, Komaeda.” she says, handing him a large beaker of shimp-smelling noodles and chopsticks. After rummaging around in a locked cabinet, she retrieves a single piece of paper and sets it face-down on a nearby table. Matsuda sits by lounging over several chairs, which looks uncomfortable, but Komaeda knows better than to question it.

“So. The hope cultivation project.” she starts, as Komaeda blows on noodles to cool them. “You’ve heard about it from me before but I want to explain again so you understand its relevance to this situation with Hinata now.”

He nods, urging her to continue.

“The school isn’t doing well. When I was scouted last year, they picked me for my work not just in neuroscience- but for my attention to learning. That’s sort of my specialty. Learning, unlearning, relearning. How the brain changes when it gets new information. How the brain can get rid of information.”

“That’s not much of a specialty.” Komaeda points out. “As that’s basically the function of the brain.”

Without missing a beat, Matsuda lazily flips him off and continues. “The school was fucked and found me, and only a couple weeks after I started they came to me with an idea. The hope cultivation project. Quite possibly one of the most impressive feats HPA will ever accomplish. It combines decades of research on talent with cutting-edge neuroscience.”

Komaeda nods, very interested in the feats of his school. The noodles are slightly distracting but not enough that he’s not hanging on to every word Matsuda speaks.

“I’ve been working on this project for over a year, and that’s on top of a half dozen other major endeavours. I’ve put out three journal articles since then and coauthored another one. I’ve done an incredible amount of research to perfect the surgery, chemistry, and process for the hope cultivation project. It’s ready.”

“And you had Hinata to do it. How?”

She nods slowly. “We needed someone who wouldn’t lose talent in the process. We had a surplus of untalented students and my initial screening process singled him out. He was incredibly enthusiastic and honestly, a good match for the program psychologically. The past two months or so have been optimizing the project to his specifications. To fit his brain exactly. After your switch, I was going to find another candidate and start that part over, but there might be a way to solve two problems at once.”

“Oh?” Komaeda burns his mouth, holding out his tongue to cool it.

“Imagine this.” Matsuda leans forward, releasing more hair from its messy braid. “We have a person who possesses every talent that’s walked through the halls of HPA over the past thirty-plus years. They’re me, they’re Tsumiki, they’ve been SHSL doctor three times over. They’re sharper, quicker, smarter than any of us. Possibly more than any person alive. Don’t you think someone like this could figure out how to put something as simple as lymphoma in remission?”

“Hinata doesn’t have time for two months of optimization, however long the cultivation project takes, then- SHSL Hope to find a cure. He’ll be dead in what, four months?” Komaeda sees where this discussion is going but plays dumb, not wanting to guess wrong.

Matsuda nods. “We’re going to put him in a coma, try to slow his entire body down as much as possible. Maybe this will give us another two, three months of time. Komaeda, we’re going to try to use you for the project to cut time down. We already have your physical information. It’ll only take a couple weeks to prepare everything. If we can use you, then in just a couple months you could find a cure for Hinata.”

“Is it reversible, though?” he looks down, thoughts dragging him to the ground.

“You’d be the hero of the school, what we’ve been waiting for forever. SHSL hope. SHSL everything. You’d be the cumulation of every talented person in here.”

He can’t turn it down. It’s a surgery, sure, but he’s had those before. He’s had a fucked up brain before. Really, none of it would be that new. He could spend a month nonstop researching, and find something to treat Hinata.

Hinata would live. Hinata would survive and grow old and stay here. Komaeda would finally be able to be even, after saving the life he put in danger.

And the school! Komaeda is deeply passionate about Hope’s Peak, it’s more his identity than anything else he could have put on those stupid worksheets. It represents everything he believes in and longs for and dreams of. Doing this would be like becoming a part of the school, as much as becoming a building or a statue outside.

The more he thinks about it, the less the risks matter. He can’t say no.

“What do you need me to do?” he asks simply.

Matsuda flips over the mysterious paper, putting it in front of Komaeda with a pen. “The consent form. Luckily enough, we won’t need any parent signatures.”

Lucky, she says. Lucky being an orphan.

Komaeda reads the consent form, signing after only a moment of reading it. The next few hours are spent by Matsuda explaining how the next few weeks need to work, what the time commitments will be like from Komaeda. Two weeks of hard work, and one of nothing before the surgery. Hinata will be put into a coma then to slow his metabolism and give him another handful of months, while Komaeda works to save his life.

Matsuda puts the likelihood of success at 60%, but cautions that it doesn’t guarantee how much Hinata’s life will be extended. 60% is good enough- with Komaeda’s luck, how can it fail?

Komaeda sleeps on the cot in the lab and wakes up around 1, far too late to go to his classes. He honestly won’t go again now, too focused on the project to waste time in classes.

Instead, he showers back at the dorm, and goes to visit Hinata.

The hospital room is different from how it was when Komaeda was there. Instead of bare and quiet, there’s usually music playing. Shitty American pop or instrumental music, and when a video game theme comes in Komaeda realizes it’s a mix made by Hinata’s friends. Signs of them also litter the room- cards, art, an impressively large stuffed duck. One piece of art depicts a very simply drawn penis and the words “congrats on the dick! love, Makoto.”

It’s all pretty comical and optimistic, with the dark exception of one thing in the room- Hinata himself.

He’s not moving much, stiff in bed and looking angry and uncomfortable in equal parts. At least he’s awake.

“Hi.” Komaeda says, sitting down on the end of the bed and crossing his feet up after removing shoes. “How are you feeling today?”

He’s absorbed the way Nanami starts off all her conversations with that. Somehow, it’s become important that all three of them know how the others are doing before talking.

“I’ve been a lot less sleepy lately. In pain, feverish, and tired but not sleepy.” he says grimly.

“That’s good-” Komaeda starts, but Hinata continues.

“But it’s come at the cost of a lot of muscle control. Sitting stiffly like this is the only way to prevent shaking or falling.”

Slowly, Hinata lifts an arm. The pale skin is so light that they can both see blue veins underneath, over whiter bone and pink muscle. The shaking is noticeable immediately, like something seized control of his arm and started a demonic handshake that doesn’t end. Komaeda can see that it’s hard for Hinata to hold up the arm, it keeps sinking lower until it’s jerking on the bed.

“Matsuda has a plan to save you.” Komaeda says after a moment of watching this pitiful sight and feeling immense guilt wash over him. He explains the plan to a silent Hinata, expressionless the whole time. When he finishes there’s just more silence, awkwardly contrasting with the music and stuffed duck in the room.

Hinata shrugs, a shaky mess of a shrug. “It’s worth a try, but if it doesn’t work then my last three months are spent in a coma for no reason.”

“I know. We’ll live it up before the surgery.”

“It doesn’t matter. I guess I’m up for it.” he mutters. “What’s the worst that can happen? I die.”

Komaeda nods slightly. “Nothing scares you when you have a expiration date.”

Hinata stifles a cough. “There’s so much I haven’t done. There’s so much I just… don’t care about not having done.”

“Hm?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t want to be missed. It seems like the last great blow against me, to have people think of me when I’m incapable of thinking. I’d rather just disappear if I have to. I’d rather kill myself than make everyone watch me die. Does that make sense?”

Komaeda isn’t sure. “I didn’t have friends before. I kind of wanted everyone to care. I wanted my death to drag on but no one cared after a few months. Defeated the purpose.”

Hinata nods slowly. “I see.”

They sit in silence, Komaeda longing to reach for Hinata’s hand but also knowing that the physical contact is useless. They don’t have time for awkward hand holding, they don’t have time for a relationship. Not now, but Komaeda thinks later they’ll be able to. In a few months everything will be fine. In a few months, Hinata will love him for sure.

Komaeda desperately wants to be worth something, to have someone love him. Nanami counts but Nanami’s just a friend. Komaeda can’t put into words how much he wants Hinata’s acceptance but he just seems apathetic.

“But hell, Matsuda has a plan now. Maybe I won’t have to die after all.” Hinata coughs, more of a choking than a useful cough. “Hey, can you do something for me?”

“Anything.” it slips out of Komaeda’s mouth before he realizes, too late to retract. Hinata raises an eyebrow, then nods.

“I want you to be there for Naegi when I’m- in a coma. I know you have other stuff to do but if you can be there for him sometimes, it would mean so much to me. You have a lot more in common than you realize.”

Bad talents and vaginas?

As if sensing this thought, Hinata rolls his eyes. “It’d be good for both of you.”

“You’re not going to die though. Naegi will be fine for a few months.” Komaeda smiles. “Don’t worry about it.”

He looks worried anyways. “Why do I trust you? You’re like, the sketchiest person I know. You could leave at any time with a functioning body but you’re trying to save me.”

Komaeda sucks in a deep breath. It’s a good time to confess, maybe.

“Because you seem cool.” he grins. _Shit._

Hinata just stares at him for a long moment, but they’re saved from an awkward conversation by Nanami coming in, Chihiro following her like a shadow.

“School’s out for the day….” she yawns. “Do you guys have food?”

Hinata smiles, visibly reassuring both Nanami and Chihiro. “No, but now that we have a party we should order pizza. Someone want to call Naegi and Kirigiri?”

“I’ll find a good movie!” Chihiro pipes up from the back.

While they make plans, Komaeda is just watching Hinata. It’s obvious that this enthusiasm is faked, he just said he wants to kill himself. No one else seems to notice the mask, they want to believe everything is fine.

Komaeda takes back what he said about Hinata being an honest person. He’s a caring person, and that’s worse.

Later that night, Komaeda tells Naegi about the plan in vague terms. He doesn’t mention the hope cultivation project, mostly just that Matsuda has a plan that can probably save Hinata.

The small boy is delighted, of course. For the first time since Komaeda and Hinata switched, he looks genuinely happy.

Komaeda can definitely fulfill Hinata’s request and make friends with Naegi. The kid is nice, really friendly, and similarly obsessed with HPA. They have the same talent, and could probably pass as siblings.

The air in the room doesn’t feel heavy, and not every interaction is forced. Komaeda feels slightly better, like the guilt rotting him from the inside out isn’t hurting anymore. He has a chance to fix everything and he’s not going to let it go. He has a chance to do his school proud and save the boy he’s obsessed with.

The rest of the issues can wait.


	10. Industry/Inferiority

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW menstruation  
> To skip, hit control + G and go to "The next week flies by..." It's short and at the beginning.

Komaeda wakes up the next morning in a blind panic, grabbing for his phone only a few minutes after getting up. He calls Nanami, struggling to keep his breaths steady.

She answers after three rings, voice slow and sleepy. “...Hello?”

“Nanami.” Komaeda gasps, knees to his chest. “I- I’m dying.”

“We’re all dying.” she says, yawning. “Why do you sound scared?”

“No, no, I mean it.” he takes several deep breaths, trying to put things into words. “I think my cancer is back, or some other kind, or my organs are bursting, or-”

Wait. _Wait._ Maybe he caused this? Did he mess something up horrifically the other day at his house? Is it possible to fuck up that bad?

Nanami is silent for a moment, likely shaking her head to wake up. “Wait, okay. Start over. What’s going on?”

“I’m like- in pain, like I’m being stabbed with something small and sharp. I’m bleeding a lot and freaking out.”

She’s silent for a much longer moment. “Komaeda.”

“YES?” Shit, he didn’t mean to yell at her.

“Komaeda. Where is the blood coming out?” she says, voice oddly calm. He’s dying, he’s ruined everything, he’s-

“It’s down there. You know.” he’s uncomfortable with words. “Something down there. I don’t know.”

There’s an even longer pause, and Nanami is making strange noises. After a moment, the soft giggles turn into full laughs, and Nanami is gasping for breath from laughing so hard.

“What? WHAT?” Komaeda practically yells into the phone. “Why are you laughing?”

She sucks in deep breaths, trying to calm down enough to talk. “Komaeda, you’re not dying. Oh my god. You’re having a period.”

He feels relieved at first, then turns red. Of course. That was so stupid. Nanami keeps laughing while he covers his face with his hands. He’s not dying. This is normal.

Gushing out blood and feeling like you’re being stabbed is normal? Jesus.

“Okay, okay. My bad.” he forces out. “What do I do?”

“You have to-” she breaks up in giggles again. “You have to get a pad or a tampon.”

“But there’s blood everywhere.”

Nanami takes a few more deep breaths, her normal self again. “I’ll be right over.”

She hangs up, and true to her word is there in only a few minutes. Wearing just a kigu, but she’s there.

“It’s gonna be okay.” she says reassuringly, putting a hand on Komaeda’s shoulder. “I know it’s scary but it happens to half the population. You’re not dying, it’s just a minor inconvenience.”

He nods slowly. “Thank you, Nanami.”

She smiles. “No problem. Let’s get you good to go.”

**  
~**

 

The next week flies by, busy for almost everyone. Matsuda has been working almost non-stop, soliciting help from Komaeda, Tsumiki, and Junko in various tasks. She looks dead but enthusiastic most of the time, and Komaeda is again impressed by the passion she shows for her talent. Talented students are truly amazing and inspiring.

While Tsumiki goes over dozens of papers, what Komaeda assumes are surgery or medical notes, Junko is either doing paperwork or organizing things. He’s quite friendly with Komaeda and Komaeda’s warmed up to him.

Nanami is invited in to help only once, but Matsuda blew up at her for focusing more on snacks than helping. She usually brings Hinata in for a few hours, and talks with Junko, often the least busy.

Komaeda, for his part, has been reading and learning everything given to him about the procedure. The risks are higher than he originally assumed but he’s still prepared for them. Besides, he’s counting on his luck to help him out if necessary.

Being this productive is having a positive effect on almost everyone. For the first time in his entire life, Komaeda feels like he has friends. He has friends and is in school. He has people that care about him. Even Tsumiki seems tolerable in this atmosphere, smiling at him every once in a while. He smiles back.

Hinata, for his part, seems to be adjusting more and more to his condition. He has a much stronger drive than Komaeda to do things like walk, and tries whenever possible to help with their efforts. He’s strong and brave and shouldn’t be the one to die. He’s a much better person than Komaeda. Hinata deserves life much more.

But this is going to save him. Komaeda is going to earn his respect- everyone’s respect- and finally be worth life and love. This will be what lets him get close to Hinata.

Naegi messages Komaeda almost every other hour, asking how things are going, how Hinata is feeling. Apparently Hinata’s been distant with him, but Komaeda is happy to fill the gap left. He’s making good on his promise to Hinata and genuinely finds himself enjoying Naegi. What he originally took for a boring kid, he realizes is an extremely hopeful and friendly kid. Both relatively useless traits, but ones Komaeda can’t emulate.

It’s been fun.

The second week is more frantic, more stressful. Nanami brings food every few hours, and Hinata alternates limping around the lab and writhing in pain back in the hospital. Tsumiki has a mental breakdown, then another. Matsuda falls asleep by accident and sleeps for a full 27 hours. Junko is the only one unaffected by the deadline, still offering smiles at everyone and keeping the area immaculately organized. There’s a row of cots in the back instead of just one.

Komaeda’s part here is almost finished, but the others will likely be here for another week. Then it’s the surgery, or rather the first one, and he’ll have to work much more. He’s not afraid. He’s ready to be SHSL Hope, he’s ready to save Hinata.

“Okay.” Matsuda exhales, breath probably containing more energy drink than water at this point. Komaeda wouldn’t be surprised if she peed straight caffeine. “Komaeda, you have the last week to do whatever you need to do. It’s always-”

She hesitates, and Junko speaks up, to everyone’s surprise but Matsuda’s.

“It’s always a good idea to consider the worst case scenario. No surgery is without risk. Make sure you’re in a good place with everyone.”

“And!” Tsumiki says from a back desk, looking shocked that she spoke at all. “Don’t forget to take your tests this week! Your- your scores are needed by the school.”

He nods slowly. “Thank you for your help. I- I can’t say how much I appreciate this. You’re saving two lives here.”

“It’s my fucking job.” Matsuda stands up, looking distinctly uncomfortable with anything emotional. “I said I’d try my best to save your rotting brain, and I did. I said I’d try to save Hinata and I’m going to.”

Komaeda smiles. “Call me if there’s anything I can do. Anything at all.”

Junko smiles, and it’s the last thing he sees before closing the door behind him. He leaves before he hears everyone exhale at once, the atmosphere dropping to anxious immediately. He leaves and feels light and hopeful.

Nanami and Hinata are both in the hospital room, but Nanami is passed out in the bed and Hinata is in a wheelchair, decidedly awake. He’s writing something, but closes the notebook as soon as Komaeda walks in.

Surprisingly, he’s been looking less and less sick as the days have gone on. Hinata’s hair is short now, sticking up in white tufts, and there’s color in his skin. His hazel eyes match much more now in a body with a slight flush to the cheeks, with movement. He looks more human than Komaeda did in that body.

“She’s in your bed.” Komaeda points out, more out of surprise than anything else. Hinata is feeling well enough to not be in bed. This is good news. This is great news.

“Yeah, apparently so.” Hinata’s words are sharp, but he’s smiling slightly. “She’s been incredible through these weeks.”

“You’ve been incredible. I couldn’t even get out of bed for months and you’re walking places.” Komaeda looks down, not sure what to do with his hands. Did he come across as clingy or creepy again?

“Oh.” Hinata shrugs. “I haven’t had to live with it very long, though.”

Komaeda isn’t sure what to say, but Hinata fills the silence for him.

“Want to go out and get food? I know a cool place and it’d be nice to go there again.” he says, looking hopeful for some reason.

Oh, probably no one else has let him leave the school grounds. Komaeda doesn’t really care- Hinata would know his own abilities.

“That’d be great.” he says truthfully. He gathers up the things Hinata might need, like an extra blanket, a jacket, the oxygen tank. Hinata watches silently, then starts wheeling his chair towards the door.

Komaeda distracts a nurse so Hinata can get to the elevator, then they’re basically free. Getting back in will be the challenge. The rush of breaking the rules fills both of them with adrenaline, quickening their motions, heightening their emotions.

The afternoon air is chilly but not shockingly so. Hinata, even wearing a hat and a jacket shivers slightly but Komaeda is fine in just his uniform, sleeves rolled down. They pass a few other students, talented and reserve. The reserves look off, too tired and too rushed. Maybe it’s because of the exams coming up but judging from what he’s heard, it has a lot more to do with the state of the school. The reserves are being pushed too hard to make up for the talented students doing almost whatever they want.

It’s an unfair system. Komaeda can see that now. It doesn’t mean he can do anything about it, or that he’d want to- some things have to stay sacred. He just wishes the reserves hadn’t gotten caught up in this.

“I wonder if any of them remember me.” Hinata muses. “Probably not.”

“It’s better that way.” Komaeda insists, surprising both of them. “I mean- no one’s worried about you. You’re not, uh, being thought of without being about to think back.”

He nods slowly. “You remember that conversation.”

I remember everything you say, Komaeda wants to say, but keeps his mouth shut. “Where are we going?”

“Shibuya.”

The subway isn’t crowded, so Komaeda can sit down with Hinata’s wheelchair in front of them. Hinata decides to sit down next to him, skinny knees shaking slightly. He sits with his limbs close to his body, looking comfortable despite being in pain.

Komaeda feels like his heart might burst, but focuses on his hands in his lap, curling into fists slowly and releasing. Hinata has his eyes closed, looking translucent and angelic. Almost not like a dead man at all.

The trip takes a while but they sit in silence the whole time. Komaeda watches people- the boy reading manga, the toddler bouncing in her mother’s lap, the friends getting off of work early together. It’s peaceful, being a part of the scene. Being a part of reality is reassuring and comfortable.

They get off after about twenty minutes, maybe longer, Komaeda hasn’t checked the time recently. The streets are quiet, but for Tokyo it’s never very quiet. He maneuvers the chair better than Hinata can, so he sticks to just giving directions.

They look at everything on the way, soaking up store displays and people. Hinata wants to see everything- to touch Hachiko, oggle the strange mask statue, cross the huge intersection a few times.

“My family used to take me out here for the day pretty often when I was younger.” he says. “When they were still together. Then I came with friends or by myself a lot.”

“Thank you for taking me.” Komaeda says after a moment of indecision.

Hinata nods, steering them off to look at another display. “Did your parents take you anywhere in particular?”

Europe, but only twice. They took him to a few rural towns in Japan to look at temples or natural sights, but only if there were other people. The only place they ever took him, just by himself, was an island off the coast. He doesn’t even remember the name of it, and tells Hinata this.

“We should go sometime. Sometime soon.” Hinata says. “Live it up, remember?”

Komaeda remembers that any surgery can be lethal, and Junko’s words. Sort out your affairs. The risk that he might not ever wake up isn’t something he’s considering heavily, but clearly it’s more frequently featured  in Hinata’s thoughts.

“Yeah, that’d be fun.” Komaeda echoes. “Which direction now?”

They end up eating at a burger place that Komaeda thinks is just like every other one. He never liked burgers that much but borrows some of Hinata’s enthusiasm and finds himself enjoying it. Clearly this place is special to him.

“I took my first date here.” Hinata tells him after they’ve slowed down eating. “And then Nanami, then you. I also took Naegi though so it’s not- a romantic thing.”

Komaeda finishes his burger, then takes the other half of Hinata’s that’s offered. “Oh. That’s cool.”

Hinata shrugs. “Not too impressive.”

It impressed Komaeda. He gets the feeling that his heart is pumping too fast again, and eats the burger half too quickly. He wants to confess. He needs to confess. Just somehow, he needs to get it out and have Hinata know.

“Hinata?” he says too fast, choking on his food. It’s a long moment of him coughing and Hinata pushing various beverages at him before he’s able to finish.

“Deep breaths.” Hinata cautions.

Komaeda, his face now red from coughing and embarrassment, sips soda before saying anything. “Uh- thank you for taking me here.”

Hinata rolls his eyes. “Say what you mean to say.”

Huh? Komaeda reddens even further, as if that was possible. “I-”

Hinata is nodding slowly, looking almost bored. “You can do it.”

“I- I really like you, Hinata.” Komaeda almost chokes again. “I like you a lot and think about you and want to be with you. No, shit, that sounds creepy. I really love you. You’re- smart kind of, and you look like me but a lot cuter somehow, you’re a good person. It might be surprising but I’ve really liked you since we met.”

“I know.” Hinata takes a sip of his beverage. “Does it feel better now that it’s out?”

“You knew?” Komaeda is baffled. He was subtle, careful not to say anything in fear that it’d scare Hinata off.

Hinata sighs heavily. “Komaeda, everyone knew. You blush whenever you see me. We switched bodies. It’s painfully obvious and we were all waiting for you to say something.”

“Do you like me?” Komaeda’s words pain him to ask, afraid of the answer.

Hinata looks away, chewing the inside of his mouth. “It’s complicated. The answer isn’t no, but it’s a very complex issue. If we had more time to get to know each other, the answer might have been yes for sure. We just- don’t have enough time.”

“We have some time. We’ll have a lot more time later.” Komaeda insists, hands balled up under the table.

He shrugs. “Probably. If you want, though, we could pretend it was enough time. For the next week. I don’t know about you, but I’m at least somewhat attracted to you and don’t want to risk dying a virgin.”

Oh. OH. Komaeda picks through his words slowly before the realization hits him.

Hinata doesn’t love him. Might love him, but there hasn’t been enough time.

He wants to have sex. He’s attracted to Komaeda. Komaeda just confessed and now they might have sex.

Komaeda’s holding his breath, thinking everything through. Why does he get so flustered around Hinata? Why can’t he think straight? Now Hinata is waiting for an answer, he might get upset and leave, he might think Komaeda doesn’t want to have sex-

“No hurry.” Hinata says flatly. “And no pressure. It was just an idea.”

“No- I want to!” Komaeda bursts out, visibly causing Hinata to shake. “Sorry. I was just thinking about it, I still really like you. It seems fast to me but- we have time to catch up later.”

“Okay.” Hinata’s chewing the inside of his mouth again.

Komaeda nods, preparing himself. “Where are we going to do it? The bathroom?”

Hinata’s eyes widen slightly. “What? Jesus, no. Not now. We need to wait until tomorrow, or when I have enough energy. I’ll probably pass out on the subway and sleep until tomorrow afternoon at this pace.”

“Oh.” Disappointment colors his voice. “I mean, that gives us time to prepare. Which is good.”

“Yeah…” Hinata looks outside, the sky starting to turn dark. “We should probably head out now.”

The lights on the street are lit up now, illuminating the city. It’s beautiful and a welcome break from looking only at the back of various HPA buildings.

“You owe me an island trip.” Hinata smiles wryly. “For sharing an intimate part of my childhood with you on our first date.”

Date. Date! Komaeda can’t stop smiling at those words, he feels so relieved. He’s been out on his first date. Incredible.

True to his word, Hinata falls asleep on the ride back, leaning lightly on Komaeda’s shoulder. He’s consumed with his own thoughts, processing everything that happened. He’s been out on a date. He’s going to- have sex with Hinata. This is incredible.

Hinata wakes up as they’re getting back into the hospital, somehow managing to get up to the third floor again without arousing suspicion. Nanami isn’t in the room anymore, so Komaeda helps Hinata out of the chair and back into bed. While he’s putting the chair away, Hinata weakly adjusts his pillows.

“Thanks for taking me out.” he says, startling Komaeda in the quiet room.

“It was a lot of fun.” Komaeda says, heart speeding up. “Hinata, is it okay if-”

Hinata’s eyes roll upwards but only slightly. “Yes. Kiss me if you want.”

Komaeda is nervous, and moves close to Hinata. His face is pale, very close, and Komaeda is incredibly anxious. His face is right there. His lips are right there. Komaeda can do this.

Hinata threads his hands in Komaeda’s hair, likely just to keep them from shaking, and pulls Komaeda forward so their lips meet. It’s short, it’s light, and Komaeda thinks he might die from happiness right then and there.

Hinata doesn’t give him enough time to celebrate his first kiss before he’s on him again, lips tighter. His are thin, slightly chapped, cool like the air around them. Komaeda isn’t skilled but lets Hinata lead, he’s obviously had more experience.

The third time they kiss, Komaeda licks his bottom lip, and Hinata recoils slightly. Not enough to break the kiss and Komaeda continues doing it, extending his tongue slowly. A frustrated Hinata pushes back, but Komaeda isn’t fighting. He’s just making a mess, instinctively turning it into a sloppy sort of makeout session.

Hinata gives in. It’s fucking weird but he gives in and lets Komaeda make the mess he wants. It’s passionate and he doesn’t have to exert as much energy this way, by letting Komaeda take the lead.

They break apart, Komaeda suddenly thankful he doesn’t have a penis now, because he’s sure he would have a boner from this. Hinata didn’t taste like much but it wasn’t bad at all. He actually really enjoyed kissing and kissing Hinata was a bonus.

Hinata wipes his mouth, then falls asleep almost immediately. Komaeda watches him for a moment, then starts to head back to his dorm. He feels hot and full of energy, happier than he thinks he’s ever been. The school grounds are fairly deserted now, but he sees Mukuro outside the dorm and stops to say hi. Junko’s mysterious sister is a friend of his by association, he thinks, and he’s in a really good mood.

“Hey, Komaeda.” she says, smiling slightly. “How are you?”

“Really good. What about you?” he slows, leaning against the wall.

“Hmm…..” she thinks about this for a long time. “Kind of puzzled. Do you ever get the feeling that the instructions you’re supposed to follow are flawed, and that you should do something else? Is it more important to follow instructions or to ensure a good result?”

“I don’t know.” Komaeda says as a jerk reaction, but then pauses. That’s what people would probably want him to say, but he considers it more.

“It depends on what’s more important to you- the person giving instructions or the stakes at hand.”

Mukuro nods. “That’s a very good way of putting it. I like you.”

“Oh- thank you. You seem pretty interesting too.” he says, foot tapping a random beat on the ground.

She shakes her head. “Not really, but thanks. Komaeda- two tips for you, if you want. In exchange for the good advice.”

“Oh?”

“One.” she hesitates, thinking of how to say it. “One, people aren’t telling the truth. You have to consider their motivations and- make sure you’re doing things because you want to, not because they’re making you.”

“Okay.” Komaeda doesn’t really think that applies to him. He’s not a trusting person, and thus doesn’t let people in that he doesn’t fully trust. He makes decisions for himself, and now sometimes with Hinata in mind too.

“Two.” Mukuro sighs. “If I were you, I’d get out of the school while I still can. Things are going to go down soon, and I wouldn’t want to get caught in it.”

 


	11. Identity/Role Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw vaginal penetration in the second half

Komaeda’s thoughts are anything but quiet that night, but little of his energy is focused on deciphering Mukuro’s warnings. To him, the school seems like it’s doing poorly but has a plan for fixing what’s wrong. The reserve course students are giving the school the money they need, talented students are still coming in, everything seems fine.

Well, there are the protests the reserve course students are having. Those protests are nonviolent and quiet- for now. They must realize how powerless they are and the school hasn’t stopped them yet.

There’s the hope cultivation program, which Komaeda suspects will gain international attention and hopefully generate more income for the school. Depending on its success. If Komaeda can cure Hinata’s lymphoma, there’s no telling what else he could do. HPA could sell medications, inventions, technology. The project will save the school.

Komaeda learned that the school is building a new structure for the school, replacing one of the more unattractive buildings that extra classes are held in. Junko showed him the plans for it- how Junko got his hands on it, he has no idea. Construction starts soon. The school is expanding- this must mean they think they’re doing fine. Headmaster Jin Kirigiri isn’t necessary a great planner, but the school board is all made of up of alumni like Kirigiri and can advise him. This decision, to build onto the school, isn’t one made lightly. Komaeda trusts the headmaster and his board.

His mind wanders back to the possibility of Mukuro’s warning about lies, and if maybe she meant someone besides the school. Hinata? Hinata hasn’t made him believe anything, and is pretty upfront about what he lies about. Honestly dishonest. It’s not concerning.

….Matsuda? It only briefly crosses his mind, but he’s read Matsuda’s papers on the project. He has a pretty good understanding of what the surgeries entail and mean for him. He’s not concerned about that and really believes Matsuda is telling the truth.

Spending time thinking about this seems useless and he wraps back around to the events of the night, about Hinata’s words and going out with him. He wants- a fast, kind of insincere relationship. Komaeda is so sure it’ll be better later, but they’re treating the week left like a week left to live and that’s not the care. He’s confident that he can figure out a way to help Hinata after the project is finished and… part of him really doesn’t want to rush the relationship. He wants to savor every new experience and make sure that Hinata loves him. He wants to be loved, to be really loved, so badly. He craves it, he needs it, he’d do anything to feel it. He’s attached to Hinata.

He guesses that there’s time to figure it out later. Right now, he needs the sleep.

The following morning, Komaeda eats quickly with Naegi, smaller and quieter than usual today. He’s aware of the fact that there are 6 days until Hinata’s going to be put into a coma. If something goes horribly wrong, this could be the last 6 days of Hinata’s life.

“I talked to Tsumiki about the odds. You know, the older nurse girl.” Naegi says, carrying several cups with different juices inside. He sets them all in front of Komaeda like offerings.

“Yeah?”

Naegi nods. “The juices are for you. I was wondering if maybe your favorite kind of juice changed because, you know, new mouth. It’s for science.”

Komaeda takes a tentative sip of what’s likely apple juice. Yep, still tastes bad to him. He hands the cup to Naegi, who gingerly accepts it and finishes the rest.

“She thinks that if a cure is actually found, there’s like a 90% chance that Hinata will be okay. She thinks that putting him into a coma is extremely unlikely to hurt him.”

“That’s good.” Komaeda muses, trying an unidentifiable juice. It’s probably strawberry and something else. Mango? Kiwi? He shrugs and hands the rest to Naegi.

“Yeah. So it’s up to you to find a cure in the next like, six months. It shouldn’t be hard, right? It’s not a super complex disease…” Naegi shrugs. “I don’t know much about diseases.”

“Me neither. If I start studying it now, I’ll probably forget later, so I’m waiting. You can help me if you want.” Komaeda tries orange juice. It tastes pretty unbearable, but he decides that if he ever needs to dissociate in pain for an hour or two, he’ll use orange juice to do it.

Naegi mixes the orange and strawberry-whatever together and doesn’t drink them. “I don’t think I’d be much help, but I’d love to try.”

Two more juices to get through. Komaeda sips another. This one seems to be just strawberry but tastes oddly milky too. Weird.

“Is there a reason why Hinata is avoiding me?” Naegi asks. At first Komaeda thinks he might be joking, but the look in his eyes is definitely a vulnerable one.

“Ah, I don’t know. You can always talk to me… I think he’s just trying to make it easier for everyone during the few months he’ll be out. Like trying to- make you less emotionally dependant on him.” Komaeda shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Naegi nods, this is a good enough answer for him. “Thanks. You’re a really nice person, Komaeda. At first I didn’t like you, I thought you just wanted to hurt Hinata, but you’re really brave and nice. I’m glad to be your friend.”

Komaeda leans back, silent. No one’s ever called him brave before. He’s been called nice maybe twice, probably by Nanami. Naegi looks earnest, giving Komaeda the last cup of test juice.

He… He feels like he can trust Naegi. Naegi poses no threat, and thus he becomes the third or maybe fourth person Komaeda can remember deciding to trust.

“Thank you.” he settles for saying. Naegi nods.

The last cup of juice is grape, and Komaeda thinks it might be his favorite.

He stops by Matsuda’s lab, where a stressed Tsumiki works and Junko helps. Matsuda is passed out on a cot, where her snoring is the only thing that distinguishes her from a corpse.

“How’s it going?” Komaeda asks, somewhat hesitantly.

“Good! But this is nowhere for you to be.” Junko smiles widely. “Go get some sun.”

“It’s cloudy outside.” he shrugs. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help? You’re all working so hard…”

Junko tilts his head. “Yes, we’re fine. Has construction on the new building started yet?”

Komaeda thinks about. He thinks he remembers seeing construction trucks today, so yes.

“Probably.” he settles for that answer.

Junko nods. “Nice! I wonder what they’ll do with the old building.”

“P-probably tear it down. It’s moldy.” Tsumiki offers. Komaeda frowns but not even Tsumiki’s presence can ruin his day.

“I want to see that.” Junko says appreciatively. “We’ll call you if we need you. Otherwise, I have a hunch you have something more- intimate to do.”

Komaeda leaves before either of them can see his face go red, but Junko’s giggle tells him that he was probably too late.

Class in session, he flies across the grass, headed for the hospital. Running was completely foreign to him at some point but not now. Soon, he might be faster than anyone. SHSL runner. SHSL track star. SHSL athlete.

Whenever he passes a student, he imagines taking their talent. SHSL swimmer. SHSL coach. SHSL author. SHSL biologist. SHSL programmer-

Oh, Chihiro. He stops just short of running into Chihiro.

“Komaeda!” Chihiro’s eyes get huge and Komaeda deeply regrets almost running into the kid.

“Hi.” he says, panting. “How are you, Chihiro?”

“G-good.” she smiles. “I got selected to work on a project for the school!”

His eyes widen slightly. “That’s really cool!”

“Yeah!” her voice squeaks slightly. “I get to work with two of my seniors- the neuroscientist and the psychologist. I forget their names, but I’m starting to work with the psychologist right after exams.”

Komaeda nods. “That’s awesome. Let me know what you’re working on when you can.”

She smiles, excited. “It’s like, an immersive video game system. We might get Nanami on the project but the console has to be made before the games, you know? But later maybe we can make something together! That’s one of my dreams, making something with Nanami.”

Komaeda finds her enthusiasm contagious and nods again. “Really cool.”

“Sorry!” Chihiro jumps, blushing. “I hope I wasn’t boring you. I’ll- talk to you later!”

“It wasn’t-” he starts, but she’s already run off like a rabbit. Small, nervous, probably has soft hair. Komaeda sighs and returns to running over to the hospital.

Hinata again is true to his word and is still sleeping. He said until the afternoon and that’ll probably be accurate, and as Komaeda is skipping class again, he has some time to kill.

Like any nervous kid, he pulls out his phone and spends time looking up whatever information on sex he can. How are they going to do it?

Is Komaeda going to have to suck his own dick? It’s not- technically- his anymore, but the thought is still there and still going to bug him.

He’s seen porn before, like almost every teenage boy, and thus thinks he probably has a pretty good idea of what will be required. Before whenever he imagined losing his virginity, he imagined it with different anatomy, but it’s barely different. It shouldn’t matter at all.

Unless Hinata isn’t a top. Then Komaeda has no idea what to do or how to make it a good experience for him. Frantically he scrolls through more articles, getting all kinds of information that doesn’t apply to him. Should he wear something special? Should he bring- handcuffs, or a vibrator, or something even kinkier? What if Hinata doesn’t have any kinks?

Oh my god. What about condoms? What if Komaeda gets _pregnant_?

He’s not ready for this. He’s not ready to be a dad. Sex seems incredibly overwhelming and he is not ready to be a parent and not ready to have kinks and definitely not ready to suck his own dick.

“Hey.” Hinata says sleepily. “You okay?”

“Great!” Komaeda throws his phone under the bed.

Hinata stares at him for a long moment, then heaves a sigh. “You are one of the weirdest people I know, and I know a lot of weird people.”

“Yeah….” Komaeda says. “Sorry, I just- kind of panicked.”

“What about?” Hinata leans up, gingerly pulling out the nasal cannula he sleeps with, just in case breathing gets hard at night.

“Oh.” he shrugs. “Just some stuff. Nothing too bad.”

Komaeda crawls under the bed to get his phone while Hinata slowly stretches and wakes up.

“I’m actually a bit more perceptive than I look.” Hinata mutters. “And you could stand to be a bit more straight forward instead of making me guess everything.”

Komaeda nods. “Sorry, sorry. I know. It’s just difficult to- put everything into words.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Hinata grips the edge of the bed, shakily standing up. “Where are the crutches?”

He’s really surprised Hinata can walk with the crutches for any length of time. He’s really strong willed.

Komaeda gets them and helps Hinata stand. “I was just- nervous about sex.”

“Oh. Well, if it was hard, then people wouldn’t do it. I assume it’s just- instinctual.” Hinata shrugs, hands shaking like an invisible person is yanking them about. He’s twitchier than usual, but still moving about relatively well.

“I guess.” Komaeda agrees, fears evaporating. “Uh, should I strip, or-?”

“Not in the hospital room. It doesn’t lock, you exhibitionist.” Hinata rolls his eyes. “We’ll have to go over to your dorm room I guess.”

“They’d hear us.” Komaeda frowns. “I guess we could go to my house, if you’re up for another field trip.”

Hinata looks up at the ceiling, considering it. “You know… I’d really like to get out of here, actually. Your house is fine.”

Today, Komaeda doesn’t want to risk taking the subway again so he calls a taxi while Hinata gets ready for the day. The latter task takes considerably longer, so Komaeda helps out and then sneaks Hinata downstairs. He’s sure the nurses are turning a blind eye on purpose and that’s just fine with him.

By taxi, the trip is a lot shorter. They get to the house in only 20 minutes, and Komaeda remembers to text Nanami where they’ve gone just in case she tries to find them and can’t later.

“Your house is a mansion.” Hinata mutters. “Like, I knew you were rich but this is ridiculous.”

“Yeah.” Komaeda laughs, awkward before it even leaves his mouth. “But it’s empty now, so I don’t know what good it did anyone.”

He holds the door open for Hinata, on crutches now, and drags the wheelchair behind them.

“You could donate the house to some charity. Or rent it out and make more money.” Hinata suggests, looking up at the chandelier. “Fancy.”

“That’s a good idea.” Komaeda says hesitantly. “Want to- order a pizza or something? Watch a movie?”

Hinata nods enthusiastically and Komaeda thinks, despite his cool words, Hinata might be just as nervous as him.

They eat and watch some movie that neither of them can name afterwards. Awkwardly sitting beside each other soon turns into cuddling, then Hinata’s hands are pulling Komaeda’s shirt off and neither of them are really sure what they’re doing. It’s okay, though. They’re both comfortable with this.

Hinata looks deathly skinny without a shirt on, and Komaeda shudders. Did he used to look like this? Like tissue paper over bones? Did no one ever tell him how unhealthy he really looked?

“My eyes are up here.” Hinata says jokingly. He doesn’t seem offended at all, he seems- euphoric. Absolutely euphoric.

“I’d rather stare at your tits.” Komaeda replies in the same joking manner. His chest actually seems to invert, with a lack of any muscle to speak of and even less fat.

“That’s fair.” Hinata’s over Komaeda, who’s lying down and silently thanking whatever gods that exist that Hinata wants to top. Thank God. Thank gods.

Hinata’s hands rub Komaeda’s sides, between ribcage and hipbones, and it feels so warm, so fantastic. He gently eases off Komaeda’s pants next, and though he’s exposed, it’s comfortable.

“It’s so weird to be looking at you from this angle.” Hinata mutters. “I was always used to- having that body. It looks so much better when it’s not mine.”

“I mean, you had to get my shitty body, so it wasn’t exactly fair.”

Hinata shakes his head. “I mean, it’s full of cancer and protein mush, but besides that it’s great. It’s fantastic.”

It dawns on Komaeda that whatever is wrong with his body, Hinata is still way more comfortable in it than he was in his old body. That makes Komaeda feel a lot better for some reason.

“How comfortable are you, though?” One finger slides under Komaeda’s binder, and Hinata’s hesitating, eyes searching Komaeda’s face.

He thinks about it for a long moment. “I want it off, but- I don’t think your body gets pleasure from that area at all, so maybe… no touching.”

Hinata’s chewing the inside of his mouth again, nodding. “Okay. Let me know if you get uncomfortable.”

Komaeda realizes quickly that Hinata doesn’t have the energy to strip him so he does it himself, naked underneath the pale boy who slowly collapses on top of him. It might make it hard to breathe if Hinata weighed _anything_ \- but he really doesn’t. Komaeda is by far the more substantial of the two.

Hinata is the more determined, and kisses Komaeda hard while he pulls off Hinata’s sweatpants. As comfortable as a hospital gown but far more appropriate for going out.

Komaeda gets the same sense that Hinata’s body is nothing much more than the essentials, noting the prominence of his hip bones. Every rib is visible. His joints protrude oddly, and the fact that his skin is so pale does nothing to make him look healthier.

Komaeda, on the other hand, is very warm and has spectacular tan lines, cutting his body between dark gold and a lighter gold. His hair is pale and sun-lightened in some places, brown in others.

They’re both afraid to touch each other. The bodies they once inhabited are exposed like dark secrets, intimate and uncomfortable.

“We can stop if you want.” Komaeda whispers, hoping Hinata doesn’t want to. It would be mortifying to go back now, to get dressed and pretend this connection isn’t real.

Hinata narrows his eyes, meeting Komaeda’s lips again. His kisses are weak but desperate. Komaeda can fight back easily, but why would he want to?

They break apart for Hinata to cough up a lung, but continue kissing. Komaeda’s not good at it but determined and Hinata is good at it but too weak to take control the whole time.

Then Hinata’s kisses move downwards, to Komaeda’s neck, shoulders, collarbone. He shudders, surprised, and Hinata is smirking.

“So you have the same sensitive spots?” he outright grins, tongue out teasingly. His tongue then traces underneath Komaeda’s collarbone from shoulder to shoulder and the other boy shakes. Not the dying kind of shaking, but the _holy shit how is he making this feel so good_ kind of shaking. Komaeda is overwhelmed, but Hinata is continuing, slowly painting stripes in his skin with a thin, controlled line of saliva. Gently he bites down between neck and shoulder, seeing if Komaeda is going to protest, then bites harder.

It’s ecstasy.

Komaeda reaches both hands to Hinata’s inverted chest, pinching his nipples. Hinata’s face tells him that the physical reaction was very, very unexpected. He’s hard now and Komaeda slowly palms his bulge, for once calm and focused.

This is working a lot better than expected. They both know how to make their old bodies feel good, and with some compensation for who’s in them now, it’s easy. They move on to grinding, shooting pangs of pleasure through Komaeda’s entire being, but it isn’t enough.

“Am I going to have to suck my own dick?” Komaeda asks, voice hollow.

“Uh- no?” Hinata looks confused for a moment, body shaking. “Oh. OH. No, you don’t have to. Oh my god.”

His energy waning, Komaeda seizes the opportunity to push him down against the bed. He kisses Hinata hard, messily. The warm carpet of the theater room feels good against their skin, and their bodies warm each other. Hinata is gasping for breath, but not really more than usual. It’s probably safe to continue.

Komaeda focuses on the sweet spots he used to have. Nipples, hipbones, weirdly under the chin. Hinata is reacting well, despite the lack of experience they share. Komaeda bravely uses his teeth to pull off Hinata’s underwear and both of them might explode now from lust or intimacy or something entirely different.

“Oh, shit. Two concerns.” Komaeda breathes. “Condom. Which hole.”

“I brought condoms.” Hinata exhales through his nose. “Of course. And the second one is really up to you.”

Before, Komaeda really thought he liked anal. It led to a lot of awkward solo sessions but also to him learning that he was probably gay. It doesn’t matter now, he thinks he’s probably only able to be attracted to Hinata.

He just shrugs. “Let’s, ah, try vaginal first.”

Hinata nods slowly, rolling a condom on. Komaeda stares at his dick, freaked out by seeing it not attached to his own body. It’s kind of thin, average length or longer, but thin. When Hinata gathers the energy, they switch positions, Komaeda on the bottom.

Komaeda fully expects him to just stick it in like they do in porn but Hinata uses his fingers first and- fuck, it feels so good. Way better than when he did it himself. It feels incredible and when Hinata slides a finger inside, Komaeda swears his vision fades out for a minute. He’s trembling, and Hinata has two fingers in, slowly pumping them in and out and fingering his clit with the thumb.

Komaeda sees stars, his entire body seizing up and convulsing. It’s overwhelming, he can’t think of anything for a minute, sucking in deep breaths. He slowly realizes that he’s be gasping and moaning this entire time, and he’s not quiet.

Hinata slows, but then speeds up again when Komaeda is ready. He comes again, and a third time, and fuck, Hinata is good at this.

He’s posed with the tip just inches away from Komaeda, waiting. Komaeda, drooling, is all too ready. He moves Hinata’s hands to his hips, and gasps as Hinata slowly inserts himself. It’s really odd, but not bad. Hinata starts moving, speeding up slowly, then he’s moaning too and covering his mouth.

It’s too easy for Komaeda to pry his hands away. Hinata looks so happy, so ecstatic, that the pain of the last two months is okay. It doesn’t matter for a few minutes.

Hinata comes after a few minutes of this, body immediately slackening. Komaeda rolls him onto his back, and with decreasing strength he goes back to fingering.

It honestly feels a lot better than the penetration before, but he doesn’t mind either. Far from it.

Komaeda comes again, shaking, muscles tired.

He takes a moment to just be still, breathing hard. He’s so happy. Body and mind, both feel deeply satisfied.

Looking over, Hinata is asleep, so Komaeda takes it upon himself to pull off the condom and throw it away. He pulls a blanket off the couch, and covers them both.

Komaeda snuggles close to Hinata’s body to keep him warm. He’s tired and he’s comfortable.

He could definitely spend a lifetime living like this.


	12. Intimacy/Isolation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER gay chapter? yes

Komaeda is startled awake by a knocking at his door. There’s light outside, so it’s morning, but he still would prefer to not be woken up like this.

He opens the door, eyes still closed. “What?”

“You need to get dressed.” It’s Matsuda’s voice, and when Komaeda opens an eye he notices that she’s wearing the full uniform for once. Hair is brushed and neatly braided, and she’s wearing eyeliner. Everything is well ironed and looks nice. She looks like a regular student now.

“Why?” he rubs his eyes, clearing them quickly.

She frowns. “We’re meeting with the headmaster and the board. Make sure to wear your best uniform, we don’t have much time.”

He closes the door, taking deep breaths. He can do this.

Komaeda quickly gets ready, somehow succeeding at smoothing his hair. The colder it gets, the more his hair seems to darkenand his tan lines grow less apparent. He’s slowly getting paler, and while he’ll never be as pale as he was before, he’s definitely missing the previous shade of golden-brown.

It takes him ten minutes to get fully dressed, and Matsuda is still waiting for him. “You good? Let’s go.”

She has a couple folders under one arm, and makeup covering heavy dark circles under her eyes. “Three days until the surgery, You better be excited.”

“I am.” he replies quickly. “Why do we need to meet with everyone?”

“They wanted to meet you, even after I explained that you were basically the same as Hinata. You just need to act- barely talented. Downplay your talent. Act like a sane man and I think we’ll be good. Be respectful. Be calm. Don’t leave the room suddenly. Act normal, okay?” she says all of this very quickly and Komaeda is struggling to keep up.

Tsumiki meets them at the door, also looking nicer than usual. Komaeda would never tell her this. She looks extremely nervous, and Matsuda gives her a similar lecture.

It’s been a while since Komaeda was up in the office area of school. The new students had interviews up here, some of them like Komaeda, and all the talented students got to meet with Jin Kirigiri once a semester.

“Let me talk, okay? Just smile and nod, don’t answer questions unless they ask you only.” Matsuda mutters. The office door opens once she knocks, and Jin Kirigiri answers.

“Oh, hello. We’ll head over to the meeting room, if you three are ready.” he smiles widely. “We’ve got some bigwigs to talk into cool stuff.”

How he fathered expressionless, quiet, analytical Kyouko Kirigiri, Komaeda will never know.

Tsumiki is the only one who tries for a smile at his comment but Jin doesn’t notice or care.

“So, Matsuda. How is everything coming along?” he asks, leading them down the hall to the meeting room in question.

“Excellent, sir.” Matsuda’s words say one thing while her face says another. “We’re ready to start in just days. This is Nagito Komaeda, he’s replacing Hinata as our volunteer.”

Jin shakes Komaeda’s hand, still smiling. “Ah, it’s been a while. How goes your luck?”

“I mean, it got me out of my deathbed.” Komaeda tries smiling back.

Jin doesn’t look sure if he’s kidding or not, but hesitantly laughs anyways. “Good, good.”

He pushes open another door, and leads them inside. A dozen adults, extremely talented men and women, sit at tables in a U shape. The empty chair in the middle is Jin’s and he sits down.

“We’re here today to meet with those involved in the Hope Cultivation Project, or the Izuru Kamukura Project. We have Yasuke Matsuda, the neuroscientist who both developed the procedure and is performing it. This is Tsumiki Mikan, medical assistant. Lastly we have Nagito Komaeda, who is replacing Hajime Hinata as the subject.” Jin says, sitting down. “Matsuda will be delivering the update on the project’s status.”

The Izuru Kamukura project? Like the founder of the school? Komaeda hasn’t heard that name for it.

“Thank you, headmaster.” Matsuda shortly bows, and Komaeda can tell she’s fighting to keep her temper in check. “Despite the setback of not being able to use the original subject, we are ahead of schedule and ready to begin the procedures in three days’ time.”

This starts discussions in the room, the board talking amongst themselves, but Matsuda just rolls her eyes and continues louder.

“Due to the outstanding work of myself and Ms. Tsumiki, we are fully prepared to begin the surgeries this week. We are in contact with the surgical team, as well as alumni that will be assisting with the training process.” Matsuda says, voice loud until everyone stops talking. “Due to the constraints we are under, we do not have time to open this up to questions today, but our headmaster is available to take comments.”

Jin frowns. “I am. Komaeda, would you like to say something about your involvement to let the board know that you’re a fine candidate for this project?”

Komaeda nods, feeling the eyes of everyone on him. “My name is Nagito Komaeda. Until recently, I was dying of lymphoma and frontotemporal dementia. It had always been my dream to come to this school, but once I had, I got too sick to participate.”

He’s not sure if he should continue, but Jin is nodding, so he carries on.

“This school and the work behind it is what kept me alive until now. I want nothing more than to make this school proud and to serve it however I can. I may not have an incredible talent, but that makes me perfect for this project. I would be honored to take part in it.” Komaeda bows, slightly deeper than Matsuda.

“Well said.” she mutters. Tsumiki smiles.

“Excellent! We’ll let these busy teens go on their way, but we can expect incredible results from these three.” Jin stands up again. “I look forward to seeing the new Kamukura in action, and Komaeda, thank you for your sacrifice and dedication to the school.”

They bow again and exit, Komaeda puzzled. “What does he mean?”

Matsuda’s rubbing her head with a fist again. “It’s like, seeing the new most talented person. Kamukura was the most talented like, seventy years ago, and it’ll be you.”

“And the sacrifice?” Komaeda’s eyes narrow.

“A couple months and surgeries.” Matsuda slides down against the wall, sitting down. “God, I haven’t slept in forever.”

Komaeda sits next to her, as they watch a duo of students go in to present a project update. “I know. Thank you.”

“Komaeda.” Matsuda sucks in a breath. “Have you ever done a good thing for shitty reasons? Or a shitty thing for good reasons?”

“Plenty of times.” he nods. “I’ve done shitty things for shitty reasons too.”

“Do the ends justify the means?”

“Most of the time. As long as you don’t hurt anyone in the process.” Komaeda shrugs. “I’m bad with moral advice.”

Matsuda frowns. “Yeah, that’s not…. ugh.”

“Should we go back to the lab?” Komaeda asks, standing up.

“No, I have another project to present. Just waiting on the other two.” she closes her eyes. “It’s Chihiro’s first major project. We’re all working on it together, but technically they’re in charge, Shit, I have to present the other work I did this year too.”

Komaeda nods. “Like the muscle growth thing and the brain vat? The weird mice?”

“Yeah, if that’s what you want to call them, plus a bunch of less cool sounding work I’ve done.”

“Should I go ahead and leave you alone then?” Komaeda asks, not really wanting to leave her sleeping against the wall outside a room containing the entire school board.

Matsuda nods. “Don’t forget to take the exams today.”

Komaeda leaves to meet up with Nanami, who’s waiting for Komaeda to take exams with her.

“Hey…” she says, buried in one of the small Playstations. He doesn’t know which console it is and doesn’t really care. “How goes it?”

“Good. Do you have to present anything to the board today?” he asks, sitting next to her.

“Nope!” she shrugs. “My talent is just for show. They can’t really use me for anything. It’s the same with Junko. We aren’t assigned to projects, we have to make our own.”

Komaeda nods, remembering hearing about Junko’s travels to do modeling gigs, having to increase his fame single-handedly. Nanami also travels, and attended a huge gaming competition over the summer.

Not all talents are equal, but most are impressive. Some people like Naegi will likely never get asked to do a project, and live out a boring school life. Chihiro probably has years of school-assigned projects ahead of her. Matsuda hasn’t been sleeping for months because of this and is still being assigned new work. Could Chihiro manage under that?

“Does that frustrate you?” he asks, frowning.

She shrugs again. “Not really, I don’t care if I’m particularly useful or popular. I just want to…. play games and make friends. And sleep. And eat good foods. I don’t care about the rest.”

Komaeda thinks this is fair. It's true that even among talented students, there are favorites. It just depends on how useful your talent is.

“You and Junko are friends?” Komaeda asks, curious.

Nanami nods. “He helped me a lot with… understanding my role in your swapping.”

She clearly doesn't want to elaborate so he drops it, and they head inside to take exams.

It's all digital. Komaeda waves at Naegi, over by the portion of his class testing right now. Komaeda and Nanami get in line behind Mahiru and wait.

The exams are digital and it take the proctors a few minutes to set them up. Four subjects, like an American test, but with an additional portion pertaining to their talents. This is the hardest to test.

Komaeda breezes through reading, Japanese. Science gives him pause and math is hard but he knows that his talent won't let him lose. If it's multiple choice, he could pick randomly and it’d be right. He could pick wrong on purpose and the computer would glitch and deliver a perfect score.

The luck portion is much the same. Pick a card. Guess the number. Komaeda clicks randomly.

When he gets the score printout, it's perfect and he doesn't care. He just shoves it in a pocket.

Nanami is still working, but a teary Naegi is standing around by the line.

“Did your luck make you fail?” Komaeda asks, trying for a reassuring shoulder pat.

“I wish.” he sniffs. “I thought maybe I'd just get every question wrong, but-”

He smells faintly of smoke. “But the computer blew up.”

“Holy shit. Your luck is incredible.” Komaeda is impressed.

“I really hope that they don't kick me out.” he frowns. “They just told me to take it later. How’d you do?”

Komaeda makes a face. “Guessed on half the questions and got a perfect score.”

“Unfair.” Naegi doesn't even look mad.

Nanami returns, waving a paper with moderately good scores for someone who sleeps through class. “New high score.”

“I lit a computer on fire.” Naegi mutters.

The three of them go to find Hinata, channel-surfing with that suspicious notebook in his lap. He buries it under a pillow when they come in.

“Hey, guys. Eggman, what's wrong?” Hinata asks cheerily.

Eggman must be Naegi, reddening at the nickname. “Testing computer blew up.”

“Better luck next time.” Hinata replies. This must be an inside joke.

Nanami pulls an Xbox out of her backpack and starts setting it up. “Want to play a racing game?”

They play for a long time, Nanami beating them every time. Naegi’s good but seems to hit every obstacle and Hinata and Komaeda are closely matched enough to have fun.

It's calming, to not have to think about the deadlines coming up.

Nanami and Naegi leave in the evening, but Komaeda's in no hurry to go.

“Tomorrow it'll two days.” Hinata muses. “And you still owe me an island visit.”

“Do you want to go tomorrow? Komaeda looks up, surprised.

Hinata shrugs. “Can we get a hotel room or something?”

“Yeah!” Komaeda smiles. “That would be great. One last trip.”

He rushes to add. “Before the surgery. We'll have trips after.”

“Yeah.” Hinata frowns. “If…. anything happens, can you take this notebook?”

“What notebook?” Komaeda plays dumb, hoping to get more information.

Hinata narrows his eyes. “You know which one. Nanami will have it for safe keeping but I want you to read it. I’ve- hurt her enough already.”

“Not on purpose.”

Hinata shrugs. “More or less. Can you do that?”

“Absolutely.”

“But if nothing happens to me, don't read it. Promise me.” he adds.

Komaeda nods. “I promise.”

He exhales in a long sigh. “Thank you for all you’ve done. It means a lot.”

“Thank you for…” Komaeda struggles to find the words. “Trusting me. Accepting me. Even after I hurt you.”

“It wasn't your fault.” Hinata smiles. “Er, could you help me get a shower? The nurses kind of freak me out and-”

He extends an arm, shaking almost violently. “I'd drop everything.”

Komaeda's breath catches. “I'd really love to.”

It's an odd combination of sexy and helpful, Komaeda having to strip both of them but trying his best to make it exciting. They fit well in the surprisingly large hospital bathtub, and Komaeda gets to work helping.

It's unrushed, intimate. They have all the time in the world and they're the only people that matter.

When Komaeda’s helpful hands move downwards and become significantly less helpful, neither of them stop it. He uses his hands then gently takes the tip into his mouth.

Hinata moans instantly, throwing up a trembling hand to cover his mouth. “Oh my god.”

This is enough encouragement for Komaeda, who starts pumping the base of Hinata’s dick, hands where his mouth won't cover. He takes in more and more into his mouth, tongue frantically moving around it.

Hinata’s off guard, voice slipping through his hands. His words are illegible but they know the meaning.

When he comes, Komaeda slows, gently pulling his mouth off.

“Holy shit.” Hinata’s just watching through cracks in his fingers.

“You know,” Hinata starts later, considerably more coherent now that he’s back in bed and on oxygen. “If someone had told me a few months ago that I’d get a blowjob in a hospital bathtub, I would have laughed.”

“That sounds fair, but I’m pretty sure I would have believed someone who said I’d give one in a hospital bathtub.” Komaeda smiles. “Is it okay if I sleep here tonight?”

Hinata shrugs. “I’m bad company.”

Komaeda doesn’t reply, just thinking how untrue this is. Hinata is probably the best company he’s ever had. He’s straightforward and accepting.

“I don’t mind.” he smiles. curling up beside Hinata.

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**


	13. Generativity/Stagnation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so gay that it crashed google docs

As soon as Hinata wakes up the next day, they get ready to go. Komaeda did indeed promise to take Hinata with him to a familiar childhood location, and while it’s not as exciting as Shibuya, he guesses that it’ll be interesting anyway.

It’s a shame that it’s cold, though, they won’t be able to swim in the ocean. Not that it’s ever very warm, but in the heat of summer the cool of the water is bearable.

He’s carrying their stuff, changes of clothes and other things he gathered in the morning. It’s Saturday but the further they get from the city, the quieter it is. They take the subway to a train station, and then the train to a ferry. It only takes an hour or two to get there and for the most part, they’re silent the whole trip.

Hinata’s wrists are incredibly small and Komaeda’s hands wrap around them, like he’s leading a child likely to run off. He just wants to keep the fragile wrists safe in his hands. For a day, Hinata will be safe with him.

“Man, Naegi will be so jealous.” Hinata says, borrowing Komaeda’s phone to take a picture of the ocean. “Send this to him with the caption ‘glad you aren’t here.’”

“Cruel.” Komaeda comments, doing as instructed.

“It’s a running joke.” Hinata smiles, sitting back down. The wind does little to his hair, sticking up in tiny spikes like whipped egg whites. Komaeda can’t help but to reach out and touch it, marveling at how not soft it is. It was his hair before, sure, but it’s different when it’s short.

“Marshmallow hair.” Komaeda muses, causing Hinata to bat his hand away with all the strength of a hamster.

“Fuck you. This is rice hair. Made of rice.” Hinata frowns, turning towards the ocean.

“Marshmallow rice. Mochi hair.” Komaeda grins, soaking up the attention. “You have mochi hair.”

Hinata just shakes his head, pursed lips hiding a smile. “You’re the one that grew it, not me. I grew lovely hair.”

Komaeda hasn’t cut it and doesn’t think he will for a while. It’s barely starting to fall into his eyes now and he has to shake his head to get it out of his vision. He’s slowly claiming this body as his own, for the good and bad and different. He’s uncomfortable sometimes but he’s cancer-free and healthy. Even his luck’s been pretty good recently-

Oh, shit. It has been good. Komaeda freezes, looking at Hinata. So far, his luck has given him someone to love, and the opportunity to become the most talented person alive. It’s letting him save Hinata’s life and his too, it’s letting him feel human again instead of like a meat person filled with diseases.

Maybe the bad swing will be having to be apart for a few months. That’d make sense, and Komaeda can almost talk himself into it. Almost. He dreads the next swing of the cycle, ultimately powerless to do anything about it.

It might be that being in this body has- diluted the luck. Maybe the next bad swing will be him breaking a toe, or failing a class, or something that he can easily get past.

Or that the hope cultivation project will give him control over the luck cycle. That would be incredible- if he could predict the swings or influence them. He thinks this is pretty likely- there’s no way that with so many talents, luck would still be a weakness. He doesn’t think he’ll have any weaknesses after.

They arrive on the island, which Komaeda originally thought was mostly deserted. He remembered it differently as a child, perhaps being so focused on his parents that he ignored everything else.

It's not worse now, just different. An obscure tourist spot, but still quiet enough to be nice. There are some stores, restaurants, and a long stretch of cool beach. There are a few small hotels, a couple temples. Komaeda smells drying fish, coming from one of the nearby stores.

“What do you want to do?” he asks Hinata, who’s on crutches now but clearly can’t handle it for long.

“I want to see the beach.” Hinata replies immediately. He’s shaking standing up and Komaeda doesn’t think the wheelchair will work on sand.

“Let’s, ah, put everything in a hotel room first.” he suggests, thinking it through. “Then I’ll carry you or something.”

A perfect solution.

“I hate that.” Hinata frowns. “I’m fantastic at walking.”

This statement is punctuated by his leg starting to shake so violently that he pitches forward, caught by Komaeda.

“Yeah, I can see that.” Komaeda nods, setting up the wheelchair. “Let’s make a quick trip there and then to the beach.”

Hinata is grumbling but agrees, now using his own phone to message Naegi.

The hotel Komaeda picked is painfully cute, small and a sun-bleached shade of pink from the outside. Inside, the floors creak and the beds have mismatched comforters.

“One bed.” Hinata points out, shaking his head. “I didn’t realize this was a homosexual island trip.”

Komaeda covers his face, hot under his hands. “Sorry, I can sleep on the ground.”

“No, it’s fine.” he smiles distantly. “I don’t mind, seeing as this is your childhood island trip.”

They test Komaeda’s plan before leaving, with Hinata hooking his legs over Komaeda’s hips and slinging his arms around Komaeda’s neck in a surprisingly easy piggyback ride. He weighs nothing and Komaeda finds that having hips is very useful.

They go back outside, where the air is not yet starting to cool for the night and smells strongly of salt and fish. The sand isn’t white and the ocean isn’t bright blue but it feels real. It feels real and so do they, standing beside that which could kill them easily but chooses not to. The ocean is calm, constant, and they are small.

They are infinitely small and it’s reassuring. However bad things get, they’re still small problems. They are dwarfed by the ocean, and every wave is a heartbeat of a massive beast.

“Wow.” Hinata breathes, warm in Komaeda’s ear. They walk away from all sounds of people, Komaeda’s heavy footprints deep in the cold wet sand.

The sun is partially hidden behind clouds, fluctuating between sunny and shady. They sit in the driest sand they can find, and Hinata slowly stands making piles of it. He runs it through his fingers, scooping up handfuls and just letting it go slowly.

“I’m trying to soak everything up.” he says. “I’m trying to live as much as I can.”

Komaeda nods, burying his own hands.

“I’m- actually weirdly grateful for this. Before I never would have thought about things, I was always way too focused on myself. Me, current events, people I disliked. Everything was overwhelming and boring at the same time.” he breaks to cough, sounding painful. “But- now I see everything like it might be my last. What if this was my last sand? What if this was my last ocean to see? I don’t think it will be, but it might be.”

Komaeda understands. The feeling of lasts faded for him shortly after his diagnosis, and became a routine of maybe-I’ll-die-tomorrows. It was painful but it was far worse after it turned to apathy. Feeling sad is better than feeling dead already.

“I can’t help but think-” Hinata’s hand reaches under the sand, meeting Komaeda’s. His fingers are thin and wiry, knuckles sticking out almost like beads on cord, but Komaeda can no longer find anything ugly about his old body. Their hands meet, buried under cold sand.

“This might be the last hand I touch.” Hinata looks down at their wrists, moving closer, very close. His eyes are wide and look brown in the light, green coming out with the sun. His breath is warm and smells slightly sweet, he’s shivering slightly.

“These might be,” he continues, voice quiet and breathy, “the last lips I kiss.”

Their lips meet, light and short. They break before either have to breathe, but Hinata doesn’t go far.

“Was it your last?” Komaeda asks, heart feeling like it’s beating out of his chest. This too, strangely enough, is nothing but calming.

“I don’t know yet.” He leans in again, their kiss longer. Hinata tastes slightly sweet like his breath, but the smell of salt is in the air and tainting everything. Komaeda wonders what his mouth tastes like. It doesn’t matter.

They don’t break again for much longer, falling onto the sand, cool on their bodies but not cold. For a moment, they’re young and simple parts of the world, fitting in seamlessly with nature. For a moment, they’re dying and it’s okay, so is everything. Nothing is meant to last forever but they have each other and this moment and that makes it okay. For a moment, they’re alone and everything is right with Hinata's tongue far back in Komaeda's mouth and his hands up Komaeda's shirt.

Hinata breaks the moment by coughing, lying in Komaeda’s arms and spotting the shoulder of his shirt with tiny crimson stars. For a long moment Komaeda isn’t sure what’s wrong with this, staring mutely at his shirt and the stars fading out into the fibers. Hinata doesn’t stop coughing, sitting up, hands to his mouth.

Komaeda's just watching in mute horror, at the thin red ribbons tracing lines down Hinata's white fingers. The oxygen might help. Shit. It’s at the end of the beach by the damn wheelchair, and Komaeda stands up, ready to run and get it.

Hinata’s pulling his pants leg, pulling him back down, shaking his head. The coughing noise isn’t dry, hacking, it sounds wet. It sounds bad.

Komaeda does what he’s supposed to, dropping to his knees and holding Hinata close. The coughing fits have to run their course, that’s how it was before.   
There wasn’t blood before, part of him whispers.

It doesn’t matter.

Slowly, Hinata regains control, sucking in the cold ocean air like it’s his last. It might have been. Komaeda’s arms loosen but he doesn’t move, and they sit like that for a moment.

“You’re coughing up blood.” Komaeda points out, voice breaking the silence but getting swept away by the wind before it can hang awkwardly.

“I know. It’s not a new thing.” Hinata shrugs. “I thought it was normal for your body at first but Tsumiki said it wasn’t.”

“Oh.” Komaeda isn’t sure what to say.

“It’s okay. It’s normal for me.” Hinata half-smiles.

“Do you want to go back now?” Komaeda looks away, hands over his face.

He doesn’t see what Hinata does, just hears “Whatever you want to do.”

Komaeda feels so bad, so guilty. He assumed that Hinata was feeling fine, but the body he passed off is rotting, is horrible. It’s hurting Hinata and he has to stop it. He has to save Hinata as soon as possible.

“Let’s get food.” Komaeda suggests, faking a grin. “I have to carry you back princess-style.”

“No. No, oh my god, don’t.” Hinata rolls away, but in his state is no match for Komaeda, triumphantly carrying the other boy back in his arms. Hinata sulks the whole way back but returns to normal once he’s back in the wheelchair- and back on oxygen.

“No messages from Nanami.” Hinata comments. “She’s been really distant and just… not okay recently.”

Komaeda nods slightly. “She feels guilty.”

“Oh.” Hinata frowns, eyes unfocused. “That’s..”

He doesn’t finish his sentence, and Komaeda gets the feeling Hinata isn’t sharing something. It doesn’t matter, Komaeda’s not really the type to pry, but it’s obviously under Hinata’s skin.

They stop in a ramen place, one that’s probably been in the same family for generations. It’s quiet and they can sit in a corner and pretend no one else is real for a while.

The food tastes better than anything Komaeda has had in the city.

The rest of the day is spent the same way, seeing everything. Hinata wants to touch everything, to hold everything, let everything run through his fingers. Komaeda pushes him wherever he wants to go and they’re both a hollow sort of happy.

“The hotel has a bath, right?” Hinata asks, on their way back. Komaeda’s feet hurt but he’s content, he doesn’t mind.

“A big communal bath? Yeah.” Komaeda nods, then frowns. “We can’t actually use it together though.”

“Oh.” he shakes his head slightly. “I’m pretty tired anyway.”

Their room seems smaller after the trip outside, after feeling like the sky is endlessly large and swallowing them. The ceiling is close, making the room feel like a cave. It’s slightly too warm for Komaeda but Hinata looks way more comfortable like this.That makes it just fine.

They curl up in bed, bodies smelling like the ocean and sweat. Komaeda leans close, lips meeting Hinata’s and his tongue following shortly, tracing the outlines of his thin lips.

“I want you to fuck me.” Komaeda whispers when they break apart. “I want you to fuck me until I can’t speak. I want you to make me forget everything.”

Hinata is taken aback at first, but ultimately up for it. They’re not slow and cautious like in Komaeda’s house. They’re not spontaneous and tired like in the hospital.  

They’re hungry, they’re desperate.

Pulling clothes off, Komaeda feels Hinata’s bare skin and how warm it is. He’s feverish and Komaeda feels like a sense of urgency has been set over them. They have to hurry up and live. They have a deadline.

Komaeda is over Hinata, too weak to resist more than a token struggle. He’s kissing, mouth hot and wet but not as hot as Hinata’s. His heart is beating fast, fueling every motion he makes.

Komaeda’s lips kiss below Hinata’s jaw, and Hinata tilts his head, eyes half-closed. His skin is damp with saliva, and he jerks when Komaeda’s tongue flicks over a nipple.

“Holy-” he starts, words evaporating into moans as Komaeda’s mouth continues, tongue everywhere at once. Komaeda hits every sensitive spot, leaving Hinata a wet mess in the bed, low moans constant like breaths.

Their mouths meet, tongues intertwining, lips tightly together. They have to try it in every combination. Lean left. Lean right. Meet straight on, bump noses. Focus on the lower lip. It’s a frantic joining of bodies, a feverish connection they’re both starving for.

“Fuck me.” Komaeda repeats. “Fuck me senseless.”

Hinata leans up, breathing hard. His hands trace over Komaeda’s neck, a gentle squeeze sending rushes through his body. Hinata is close enough to kill him.

But Komaeda trusts, he trusts fully and without reservations. He leans his head back, exposing his neck fully, graceful and strong. Hinata’s kisses turn hard, sucking, biting. More bruises. Komaeda wants his entire body marked with Hinata’s teeth, he wants to be colored with the reds and purples of blood that should never have been his. He wants to be torn apart and built anew, he wants to be undone by this boy.

Hinata’s teeth trace over his ears, his neck, between neck and shoulders. Bruises dot his skin by freckles and god- Komaeda didn’t realize how wet he could get. He bites lower, hesitating-

Komaeda pulls him in, the message clear- leave nothing unmarked.

So Hinata continues, lightly biting over Komaeda’s chest. He’s gentle but the pain is still enough to pull Komaeda out of his pleasure haze. He trusts Hinata with every part of him. Every piece of his body is Hinata’s to take, to destroy, and Komaeda will feel nothing but pleasure the whole time.

His breath is hot against Komaeda’s body, bruises around his hips joining the ones around his neck like a wreath of flowers. A belt of flowers. Komaeda is gasping, sucking in warm breaths, coming undone when Hinata’s lips kiss hipbones.

Hinata’s breath is hot against Komaeda’s hair, and he hesitates for only a moment before going down. Two fingers slip inside easily, and Komaeda is melting. Words rush out of his mouth like from a hose and he’s not sure what he’s saying. A mixture of profanities, Hinata’s name, and cries.

His entire body feels mushy, like it might just pour off of the bed and through the cracks in the floor. He never realized how long his tongue was on his old body, but he’s feeling it now. Hinata’s fingers bend, scissor inside him, rub hard at some place Komaeda didn’t realize he had but that sends his body shaking. His mouth is so warm, so close, like their bodies are separated by fluids alone. Hinata doesn’t stop moving, fingers moving quickly, tongue flicking back and forth, dragging from top to bottom and back again, circling around and around-

Komaeda comes, body thrashing against the bed. pleasure wracking his body and flooding through his brain. Everything is Hinata’s mouth and Hinata’s fingers and saliva cool on his top but warm down below. One orgasm flows into another seamlessly, shudders fading into each other neatly. Komaeda manages to shoves fingers into his mouth before he screams, muffled by his hand.

Hopefully no one heard, but neither of them care. Komaeda comes again, crying Hinata’s name, endless streams of “fuck me, it’s so good, God.”

His body is exhausted but he’s not done. When Hinata gives pause, Komaeda pulls out from under him.

“That doesn’t count as fucking me.” Komaeda says, not bothering to wipe drool from his mouth. His words are barely coherent, slurred.

“Okay. I have condoms-” Hinata starts, Komaeda cutting him off.

“Get one.”

Hinata complies, limbs shaking like Komaeda’s just did but for a very different reason. Komaeda watches, brain jumbled and body endlessly content.

“We’re doing anal.” Komaeda breathes. “What position do you want me in?”

“I don’t-” Hinata looks confused.

“We’ll figure it out.” Komaeda doesn’t care, rolling over to expose his ass, chest melting into the comforter.

Hinata looks alarmed. “No, I don’t know how. I can’t just- stick it in. Isn’t it going to be dirty?”

Komaeda would be exasperated if he wasn’t so goddamn horny. “I have been a gay boy for my entire life. Please, I know how to clean everything.”

He prepares himself, Hinata watching with wide eyes. Years of solo masturbation have made him pretty good at this, but it’s clearly new to Hinata.

“I have lube in my bag.” Komaeda points, and Hinata grabs it. “Make sure everything is really, really covered.”

They’re both busy for a moment, then reconnect with mouths meeting. Komaeda bends over again, Hinata over him, gripping hips tightly. Slowly, Hinata slides in, and they both sigh at the same time.

Yes, this is much better. Komaeda grinds his body against Hinata’s, urging him to thrust, to move, to do more. Hinata just reaches a hand over and starts fingering Komaeda, increasing the pitch of his cries considerably. Hinata’s nails rake over his naked skin, leaving long red marks in golden flesh.

Hinata’s moans are low, breathy, like exhales. Komaeda’s are sharp and high, cries, he’s mewling under Hinata’s hands and dick. The thrusting speeds up, a lot of energy being exerted by Hinata, and Komaeda pounds back against his flesh. They’re fast, they’re heavy, breaths deep and quick in their lungs. Every breath is punctured by a cry, by a groan, by a sigh. Nails rake over Komaeda again, over his hips, back, chest, shoulders. Over bruises, freckles, fading tan lines. Pink lines divide his body into shreds, long strips of of skin.

He’s drooling on his arm, he doesn’t stop moving back against Hinata. Hinata’s fingers quicken at his clit, and they’re coming together, voices mixing in a joined cry that someone must have heard. Hinata’s shaking, still thrusting, and Komaeda is melting into the bed, body spent. They keep moving until there’s nothing left, until their energy is gone, drained spirit replaced by a great contentment. Bodies sore and sweaty, wet with spit and salt and cum, they collapse together. Arms wrap around each other and it doesn’t matter whose is whose. Komaeda’s arm, Hinata’s torso, someone’s foot- they’re the same. They’re deeply connected and they’re one.

Without noticing, they’re asleep.


	14. Ego Integrity/Despair

The next day, they’re both in pretty bad shape. Komaeda has purple bruises dotting much of his torso, concentrated on his neck and shoulders, and around his hips. His muscles are sore, body tired. Besides that, he thinks that last night was probably the best night he’s ever had.

Hinata fares worse. He barely moves, just to help Komaeda dress him and then to move him to the wheelchair, oxygen set up. His coughing isn’t bad but he’s half-sleeping the entire time.

They eat in the small town, then bid the island goodbye with hands in the dark sand up to their wrists. Komaeda is sentimental, and pockets a handful of the dry stuff.

By the time they get back, it’s early evening, and Naegi is waiting in the hospital room. He’s watching cartoons, the same ones Komaeda liked to watch before, but gets up to help move Hinata to the bed.

“How was your trip?” he asks, eyes wide. Komaeda realizes belatedly that his shirt does little to disguise the purple marks left on his neck.

“It was pretty good.” Komaeda is red, not meeting Naegi’s eyes. “Pretty fun.”

“Yeah…. Looks like it was.” The silence in the air rests there, neither of them wanting to talk about it or figure out a way to dance around the topic and share more about the trip.

Naegi looks troubled, finally sharing what’s on his mind. “Tomorrow is the surgery. Tomorrow Hinata’s going under.”

Komaeda nods, not wanting to think about it. He’ll be able to save Hinata this way. It’s just a few months and then they’ll be together again. Together and alive.

“I guess you should get some sleep.” Naegi shrugs, looking down. “I’m here if you want to talk, just message or call. See you later.”

“Thank you.” Komaeda breathes. Naegi smiles, leaving the room.

Komaeda threads his hand into Hinata’s, watching the soft rise and fall of his chest. He’s coming apart at the seams like a stuffed animal that’s been used too much. Hajime Hinata is spent, weak, falling apart. He’s sick and they can’t pretend otherwise now.

They won’t have to pretend otherwise. Komaeda is fixing this for good. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough and he dreads it at the same time.

For the third time, Komaeda is woken up by knocking on his door, but it’s the hospital door instead. Hinata sleeps right through it, but Komaeda gets up from where he slept on the floor to answer it.

It’s early morning and Matsuda stands in front of him, clearly unnerved and not okay.

“I thought the surgery wasn’t until 10.” Komaeda says sleepily.

“It still is.” Matsuda exhales sharply. “I need to talk to you.”

At 7 A.M., the grounds are pretty empty. It’s cold and a single student runs out on the track. They sit outside, behind the science building, in damp grass.

“I have energy drinks somewhere in here, but you shouldn’t be eating or drinking anything.” Matsuda sighs, searching through her pockets. “And I’d really like to smoke or something but that’s a terrible idea right now.”

“What’s going on?” Komaeda sighs, breath cloudy in the cold. He’s unfocused, looking at the foundation for the new building. It looks good so far, and work has progressed quickly.

“I haven’t been telling you the entire truth.” Matsuda pulls out a bottle of something Komaeda suspects is a bit stronger than energy drink, and takes a long swallow.

“About what?” Komaeda frowns, trying to meet her eyes, but Matsuda is avoiding his gaze.

She shrugs, taking a deep breath. “The… risks.”

“I read the consent forms, they listed the risks. Were those false?”

“No, not entirely. Tsumiki and I needed you out of the lab to finish everything, partially so you wouldn’t ask too many questions. I want- I really want to save everyone. I need to save everyone.” Matsuda’s face crumples. “I’ve been killing myself to save as many people as I could and to save Hinata, I haven’t been entirely honest about the procedure. Then I was thinking about it, and of course you deserve to know what the risks are. Even if you change your mind about participating.”

Komaeda plucks a few blades of grass, balancing them on one knee. “What are the risks?”

“You might- have some changed emotional reactions. Changed depth. You might not feel much. You might not remember much. You might not…. be exactly the same person. Most of you will still be there, but we have no idea how this new information coming in will affect you.” she says, taking another long swallow of liquid. “The brain needs to make room somehow.”

“So what, I’m not going to be myself?” Komaeda clarifies, and Matsuda nods.

They’re silent for a moment, then Komaeda frowns.

“No fucking offense, but I’ve been dealing with that for years. My personality changed. I lost every friend but one. I couldn’t remember much at all and was dissociating constantly, I was an angry mess and shoved everyone away.” Komaeda says, voice cold like the air outside. “I’m not afraid to change. I’m not afraid to die. I’m deathly afraid to lose the person who taught me how to care, how to adapt. Matsuda, I’ll do whatever it takes to save him. I’ll do anything and I don’t care about the costs.”

Statement delivered, he sits back, thoughts purposely on anything but the subject.

“Okay. You can still back out, right up until we start.” Matsuda offers. “But I’m going to do my very best to make everything work out fine. Komaeda- whoever you are, I’ll be there. I’ll always be there and you can count on me.”

Komaeda nods slowly. “I’m going to go now. You should- stop drinking and get ready. We have a few hours.”

Matsuda nods, tears blinking back. “See you soon.”

He runs back to the hospital room, waking Hinata. There’s a doctor outside, a nurse checking his vitals. They’re getting ready to put him under and everything seems so short, so pointless.

The past hour, they just talk. They hold hands- Hinata’s thin fingers lacing with Komaeda’s squared-off tan ones. When there’s not a nurse or doctor nearby, they kiss.

Then the others come. Chihiro, Kirigiri, Nanami, Naegi, and Junko find chairs or sit on the end of the bed, exchanging shallow words. Hinata’s parents aren’t here. They’ve abandoned him entirely.

“Maybe I should say something.” Hinata smiles wryly. “Now that we have a funeral party ready to go.”

‘That’s not funny.” Naegi looks uncomfortable. He’s been crying again.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Hinata winces. “Thanks for coming. This is a temporary separation. There’s always a chance it’s permanent, but anything could be. The past few months- I’ve learned a lot about life. I’ve learned a lot about death. I’ve learned that we matter, and we can always change the lives of others. We can always- no matter how bleak things look- help each other.”

Chihiro is crying now but Hinata doesn’t stop.

“If I die tomorrow, I lived a full life. I’m not afraid to die, I’m not worried that I didn’t leave a mark on the world. I left other people. If anything happens to me- don’t forget me. Don’t forget who I was, or my life will be meaningless.” he breathes. “Chihiro, you’re far stronger than you realize. Don’t settle for a second-rate you. Kirigiri, you constantly puzzled and intimidated me. You can solve anything you want to, but sometimes the answers are inside you and hard to piece apart. Be gentle with yourself.”

Chihiro is sobbing but Kirigiri merely nods, her face impossible to read.

“Nanami- I want you to hold onto this. Please don’t open it.” Hinata smiles, handing Nanami his notebook. She slides it in her backpack right away,

“I don’t blame you. I could never hate you. You’re amazing and you’re good, and you’ve made my life so much better during the past two years. I’ll see you in a few months.” Hinata and Nanami hug for a long time, then she sits back down as Hinata turns to Naegi.

“Naegi? You’re my best bro friend and I’m sorry that I guess I turned out to be gay. You have to be straight enough for us both now. You have Komaeda, you have an amazing group of friends. When you’re weak, they’ll remind you what to be strong for, but you have to remind them what the real goal is. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t think you’re less than anyone. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Naegi covers his face with his hands, muffled crying noises coming from him. Kirigiri rubs his shoulder comfortingly.

Hinata doesn’t mention Junko, but nods at him. Junko is likely just here to support Nanami and Komaeda and they both appreciate that.

They send the others out, leaving only Komaeda and Hinata. They share a long kiss. quiet, both trying to reassure the other.

“If we both make it out alive, let’s give the whole relationship thing an honest chance. I could love you, if we had enough time. If we could spend more time together we’d be able to slowly build up trust.” Hinata smiles. “We’ll retry our first date when neither of us are dying.”

Komaeda nods. “I already love you. I already trust you. It would be nice to do things slower, but we can’t have everything. It’ll all be okay.”

They hug, then arms slacken, they release. The doctor comes back in with a nurse and they put something new in Hinata’s IV line.

Hinata starts to mouth something, suddenly looking panicked, but he’s out instantly.

He could be dead. Too pale, too quiet. He doesn’t look like he’s just sleeping.

Komaeda’s ushered out, and goes to his own undoing.

Every step feels too heavy, too hard. He’s trudging, all the way to the science building, to the lab. Matsuda has boxes prepared, and Komaeda strips, putting everything into a plastic crate with his name on it. Phone, off. Sand pours out into the bottom of the box from his pocket. He pulls off his binder, never having felt more naked.

Matsuda stands beside him, her eyes empty, numb. “We’re going to have to shave your head.”

“Of course.” Komaeda curls over, covering his chest, while she readies an electric razor.

Golden hair showers the bench beside him, covered with a plastic sheet. It’s darker the closer it gets to his scalp, until there’s nothing left and his whole head is light and bare.

It’s much paler than the rest of his skin, and he passes his hand over it, silently amazed. Matsuda hands him a hospital gown, then leaves again as Komaeda brushes the bits of hair off of his body.

On an impulse, he puts the loose hair into the box with his belongings too. It looked too cool to not save, he reasons.

Matsuda leads him upstairs, to the top floor. He knew there were some miscellaneous rooms up here, but they were always locked. One, as it turns out, is a surgery room.

Komaeda’s been in a few before, but this is brain surgery, which he hasn’t had before. There’s Tsumiki, already in full surgical gear and sanitizing everything.

God, Komaeda hates her. He smiles at her anyways and she smiles back. Probably. She’s wearing a mask.

There are a few other people, unfamiliar. There’s Jin Kirigiri, who eagerly shakes Komaeda’s hand again while Matsuda gets into scrubs.

“I’m so proud of you, Komaeda.” Jin says enthusiastically. “I’ll be here when you wake up, alright? Good luck.”

“Komaeda, come lay down over here.” Tsumiki says, leading him towards the surgery table. It’s comfy, and his head feels very exposed. It’s cold. Tsumiki tapes a plastic sheet from his neck down, keeping the rest of his body’s germs away from his head.

She fits his skull place in a metal brace, and Komaeda is hyperventilating.

“Hey.” Matsuda’s voice comes from above, an ungloved hand gripping his. “I’ll be here the whole time. I’ll be looking out for you. Try not to worry- everything is going to be okay.”

Komaeda closes his eyes as a mask is slipped over his face. He doesn’t feel the IV prick his arm. He doesn’t feel anything after that, he feels nothing at all.

He’s already gone.

 


	15. Epilogue

 

Matsuda's part of the surgery barely done, someone knocks on the door asking for her. It’s urgent, they say. Fuck you, she thinks. This is years of her work and nothing is more urgent.

“We’ll finish this.” one of the doctors says, and Matsuda angrily goes to find out what happened.

It’s a nurse from the hospital. She doesn’t say much, just leads Matsuda to the hospital, to the third floor. There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, having nothing to do with the fact that the only thing she’d had to eat or drink today was alcohol and crackers.

Junko intercepts her in the hallway, pushing her into a nearby empty hospital room. Matsuda doesn’t resist, it’s pointless.

“Matsuda.” he breathes, lips only centimeters from her ear. Junko closes the distance, lips meeting Matsuda’s neck.

“What happened?” The urgency has left Matsuda, strength fading out of her like Junko’s sucking it straight from her neck.

“He’s dead.” Junko leans back, hands around her waist, touching bare skin. “I thought you’d want to hear it from me. I’m sorry.”

Matsuda…. honestly isn’t surprised. Depressed, but not surprised. “How did he die?”

:”Heart failure. I had the doctors put him on life support but there’s nothing to support now.” Junko’s hands move higher, slipping under Matsuda’s bra like it’s nothing.

Matsuda isn’t mad. This is normal, and she just figured Junko can’t really have an intimate conversation with something physical to focus on. She’s apathetic, her mind is elsewhere, but she leans into the touch anyway. It’s the reaction he wants.

“I need to get back to Komaeda.” Matsuda mutters. “You didn’t pull me in here just to tell me Hinata’s dead.”

Junko pinches, hard, and Matsuda’s body stiffens. “No, Matsuda, I didn’t.”

Her voice drops, trapped by his hands, his presence. “What do you want me to do?”

Junko just smiles, not releasing. He leans forward, teeth tracing Matsuda’s ear, biting down. “I want you to use his brain. That’s what you do best, play with brains.”

“His brain is dying.” Matsuda mutters.

“But! You have something to keep it suspended, don’t you. Remember when you spent months working on your precious brain vat? You can keep nutrients coming in.” Junko releases suddenly, and Matsuda stumbles back, hitting her side on the bed in the room.

“It hasn’t been used with a human brain. It doesn’t allow for proper neurological development.” she protests.

Junko pins her against the wall, his knee high between her legs. “You don’t need development. You need an AI for your project, don’t you? The one with Chihiro? It’s so much easier to alter an existing system and you know that 1s and 0s work just like neurons.”

“You want me to suspend Hinata’s brain…. and put him in the New World program?” Matsuda frowns. “Why?”

He kisses her roughly, biting at her lips. It’s a long moment before they break, but he just says, “Because I said so.”

Hinata’s body is cool and dead, but Junko kept blood circulating. Clutching the main unit of the suspension unit, the “brain vat,” Matsuda pulls the curtains over the door. Junko helps, and between the two of them it doesn’t take long to open up the skull.

“Fake a document that says he agreed to donate his brain for dementia research.” Matsuda mutters, gently prying the pink mass out of Hinata’s skull. It’s very fragile but she’s used to this, she’s good at this.

Brain secured in the vat, Matsuda works on setting things up. It needs to be getting nutrients but it also needs inputs as soon as possible. She needs to tell Chihiro and that stupid psychologist to hurry. For her part, she needs to translate neurons to programming, so Chihiro’s going to need to be in on it at least a little bit.

This is going to take so much time. She can make the brain dormant for a little while, but it will die if nothing’s coming in. She has so much to do.

**  
**  
  
  


He wakes up in darkness, in pain. He wakes up to nothing and to everything at once. His brain is on fire.

Every sensation is torture, more and more intense. There’s nothing to see but moving his eyes hurts. Hearing, even nothing at all, hurts. Tasting the metallic taste of blood in his mouth hurts.

Every touch hurts. His fingers travel down an IV line, bringing in some kind of medication.

Agonizing.

His hands travel over his body, learning. He pulls everything in that he can, and the memories stick like in cement.

Cement, he knows what that is.

Hospital gown. He must have been in a hospital at some point. He’s uncomfortable wearing only the loose fabric. He- doesn’t like parts of his body. He feels sick.

Sick. Painful.

His hands travel up to bandages over a bald scalp, some tube taped there. It’s going inside his skull, inside his brain. It’s to send medications inside.

What medications does he need?

Thinking is beyond painful. Everything is agonizing.

He’s in pain and he’s confused. He’s alone, it’s dark, he’s uncomfortable. He’s sick and he’s hungry.

He cries. Tears roll down his face, getting the hospital gown wet. He wails, hands to eyes, sobbing into his palms like a child.

Child. He knows what they are. He’s not one.

He screams, voice raw and painful. He screams and screams but no one comes.

He learns that crying doesn’t make him feel better. Dead end.

He doesn’t do it again.

**  
**  
  


Everything is black for Hinata. He felt nothing, and now he feels something, but it seems more like nothing. He’s awake and feels conscious, but there’s nothing here. Just his imagination.

Is he dead? Probably. He thinks he remembers dying, and what led up to it. He thinks he remembers whose fault it is.

But it doesn’t matter now.

What is a dead man supposed to do for eternity?

**  
**  
  
  


It’s been 18 hours, 43 minutes, 12 seconds since he woke up. He’s been counting, except when he fell asleep, but he was able to make an estimate. Things aren’t as painful anymore. He has adapted to the darkness. He has learned to survive.

There’s a sliver of light, then the whole world is dimly lit. It hurts at first, but he takes in his surroundings.

It’s a room. A cell. There’s a wall of screens, five by five. Twenty five screens, each 11’ by 14’. 55 inches tall and 70 inches wide.

The mystery is gone now and the screens bore him. His eyes take in bookshelves- so many in the room, stretching out for about ten feet. He estimates 5,410 books. He’s very accurate.

He’s sitting on a bed, with an IV bag beside him. It’s empty, he’s not getting anything out of it.

Calmly, he removers the IV line.

The room got light because someone came in. It’s a girl. He knows what those are. He knows he’s not one.

She looks around 16 or 17, and sits cross legged on the floor in front of him. She looks grim. She looks unhappy.

“How are you feeling?” she asks first. The question baffles him. What is he feeling? How does he label his thoughts as feelings?

“I-” his voice cracks. It’s too high. “I was- in- pain.”

“Not anymore?” she asks.

“Not as much.” His pain has halved since he first woke up, 18 hours ago.

She nods. “Sorry I wasn’t here sooner. Back to back surgeries then I fell asleep.”

He doesn’t say anything, confused.

“I’m Yasuke Matsuda.” she says finally, sighing. “And I created you.”

“For what purpose?”

“To acquire every talent that this school has collected data on.” Matsuda hands him a pamphlet for a school, Hope’s Peak Academy. “This is your school. This is the world to you.”

He reads it, taking in every bit of information. It was founded 78 years ago. The headmaster is Jin Kirigiri. It’s located in Tokyo. It’s a school for talented people.

“Right now, your task is to learn. That’s the point of the books in here, that’s the point of the screens. They’ll play things for you to learn, so you can acquire these talents. The more you learn, the more you will be fulfilling your purpose. When you have questions, there’s a button by the door and you can press it to talk to me.” Matsuda explains, words weighed carefully. “I’m here to help you and always will be. Sometimes we’re going to put more fluid in your brain through the stunt there, and this will help you learn. No one here is going to hurt you.”

He nods slowly, memorizing all of this. Yasuke Matsuda. Here to help.

“The pain you must be feeling will subside once you get used to everything. The more you learn, the better you’ll feel.” Matsuda stands up, pulling a book from a shelf. It’s an encyclopedia of food and he doesn’t know why she chose that book.

“Start with this one so you can pick something to eat. Pick something that looks good so you can have the energy to work.” Matsuda looks up, a strange light in her eyes. Is it care? Does she care about him?

“Okay.” he agrees, taking the book gingerly. He picks a hamburger without being sure of why. It doesn’t look- tasty. Nothing does.

“Matsuda?” he asks, voice raw and sounding inhuman. “What is- my name?”

Matsuda swallows hard. “Izuru Kamukura.”

**  
**  
  
  
  


It’s been close to a month since Hajime Hinata died, and weeks since his funeral. Nanami feels dead most of the time and hasn’t even been doing much gaming.

She tried to see Komaeda once. She was told that there were “complications” and that Komaeda was “not quite himself.” She wasn’t allowed to see him.

She already feels so guilty over what happened, and her two best friends are gone. They’re gone and one is dead but she’s still here. She feels like she picked a bad route in a game and now everything is ruined, but she doesn’t have a save file. She can’t restart.

Junko is one of the only people she talks to now. He listens, he understands, he can make Nanami feel better.

Right now, Nanami is in her room, not doing much of anything. She sleeps. She games. She doesn’t enjoy anything. Her grades are dropping hard and no one seems to care about it. Her friends are gone and she’s still there.

And so is the notebook. Nanami’s been thinking about it for weeks, about opening it. She got close one time but couldn’t bring herself to break her promise to Hinata. It seemed like the promise was keeping his memory alive somehow, like he wasn’t gone if his last messages were unread.

She saw the body. They all did. It looked terrible and sickly but he was out of pain and that’s- something, she supposes.

She was told to hold onto the notebook for Komaeda to read, but it sounds like Komaeda’s not coming back in one piece. Nanami needs to be brave and figure out what’s inside the damned notebook. She can do it.

She clutches it tightly in her hands, knuckles white, legs crossed on her bed. Be brave, Nanami. Do it for Hinata.

She opens it. Most of the pages are torn out, the pages from the front. They were roughly torn out and Nanami guesses that they were pulled out at the same time. The edges all look the same.

The next few pages are blank, and then the writing starts.

**  
**  


_If you’re reading this, I’m dead._

__

_By the time you read this, I won’t care about your reaction. I won’t care about anything, I’ll be dead, so I can go ahead and tell you._

_My death wasn’t an accident. The switch was unexpected but I wasn’t unhappy with it like I might have seemed. I was ecstatic. I wanted to die. This might be difficult for you to understand but after the switch, I started planning how I could end everything._

_My death wasn’t an accident. I killed myself because of the people in my life, including you. Especially you. My friends were selfish, never caring about the reserve course students or anything beyond tests and talents. Everything has been annoying and tiring and I don’t care anymore. The world is broken and cruel and someone needs to fix it. The world killed me and so did you but both of those can be changed._

_For me, it’s over._

_All it took was swapping out medications. Not the ideal way to do it, but hell, my body was dying anyway. I just gave it the extra push. By the time they find my body, there’s nothing to be done. I’m gone._

_I’m gone. It’s your fault, it’s everyone’s fault, the world is cruel and broken. Make them know they killed me. I’m begging you, don’t make my death meaningless. Don’t make my life mean nothing._

__

_See you in the next life._

**  
**  


Nanami scrambles through the next pages, looking for something. Anything else. Some just kidding! or evidence that the entry was made up. The writing is shaky, like he could barely hold a pen while writing it. He was so sick and he didn’t-

He didn’t tell them. He didn’t tell her.

Hajime Hinata killed himself and it’s Nanami’s fault.

She snaps.

**  
**  
  
  
  


Kamukura learns everything, soaking up information and memorizing it. Matsuda is there often, helping him to learn, explaining things that need explanation. He spends between sixteen and eighteen hours a day taking in new skills. After he’s finished every book in the library, he gets another injection to the brain. It hurts but energizes him. He watches their videos, sometimes all twenty-five screens play at once.

Matsuda tells him to change his body. Matsuda tells him that he has incredible control, and Kamukura agrees.

It takes him weeks to learn how, but after the new injection he can do it. Facing a mirror, he concentrates on forcing pigments into his eyes. He synthesized these pigments himself, pigments like birds have. He did this just to show that he could and Matsuda praised him after, praised him for being good. He did a good job..

Kamukura doesn’t understand how he can do this, but he could figure it out if he cared.

After that level of control slips, when the medication isn’t current, he tries to make his hair cells divide faster. Bald and bandaged makes him uncomfortable. He’s not comfortable without something covering him but his hair doesn’t grow quickly enough. With enough concentration, he can get an inch or two in a day.

Weeks turn into months. Kamukura is allowed out of the room, allowed to meet people besides Matsuda. She gives him a suit and he changes out of the normal hospital gowns.

“You’re going to meet the headmaster.” Matsuda says, tying Kamukura’s tie for him. He can’t figure out how to do it- he knows exactly how it should work but his hands don’t listen.

“Jin Kirigiri.” Kamukura offers, rewarded with a smile. He wants to please. He wants to fulfil his purpose.

“Yes, and the board.” Matsuda pushes hair out of Kamukura’s face. “Impress them.”

And he does. They start with easy things, but don’t let him finish showing them. They cut him off after 204 digits of pi, they don’t pay attention to his solving complex problems.

“As you can see, mathematics comes easily to him.” Matsuda beams, proud of him. He’s making her proud. The headmaster and school board are impressed- not proud. He thinks he can recognize the difference.

One of the school board members speaks up. “He can solve and memorize, sure. Can he synthesize?”

Synthesize. Create.

“We have not yet begun training in that area.” Matsuda says, smile slipping slightly.

They have. Matsuda brought paints one time, and tried to have Kamukura paint something. He’s talented at it, he can paint beautifully, but nothing creative. He needs a clear topic to be able to write, stumbles with fiction.

Kamukura can’t disappoint. He can’t fail, he’s going to work on it.

He’s trained physically, apathetic eating and exercise building up muscle. His body changes, and he tries to change it like he changed his eyes, but the stunt was taken out and the drug is gone too.

He keeps the suit, wanting to look as clean as possible. He needs to be perfect.

He meets Junko. The blond boy draws him in, skews his goals. Junko and Matsuda blend into one, and he can’t distinguish between what he loves and fears.

Junko leads him into the old school building, now abandoned after the new one was finished. He meets the student council.

They die. Kamukura slips, everything turning on its head. He’s not safe. He’s not safe. He’s not safe.

The council dies.

**  
**  
  
  


Everything’s been black for a long time. Hinata has no way of knowing how long, there’s nothing to judge time with. He’s sleeping, he’s awake. He’s dead. He’s thinking.

He misses Komaeda. He misses Nanami, Naegi, school. He misses being alive.

This goes on for an eternity and it’s torture. Hell is Hinata trapped with nothing but his own thoughts.

Slowly, he becomes aware of something. A slow changing. He can move- like a ghost, floating forwards and backwards. He’s in the darkness, but it’s probably a room now. There’s a faint light near him.

He can move towards it. It’s a computer, with a screen and a keyboard. He doesn’t have hands, but tries to press a key and finds he can.

The computer doesn’t look…. real. He doesn’t care.

On it, there are words.

**Hinata?**

That’s me, he wants to scream, but he doesn’t have a voice. Instead, he tries to type. It takes a while for some reason, but he gets it typed after a moment.

**im here**

He’s thrilled. Does this mean he’s not dead? Is this how he can talk to God, the afterlife, someone else who’s dead?

**Hinata, this is Matsuda. We’re speaking through a computer program.**

Oh. That explains why the computer is blocky, why there’s nothing else in the room. Well, Hinata thinks that explains it. It’s actually not a logical explanation at all.

**Your body died right after you were put into a coma.**

Hinata knows that. He was murdered. It wasn’t some accident, he was murdered.

**Right now, your brain is hooked up to a system of computers compensating for the mush parts that your dementia destroyed. We’re finishing the program that the computers will run but it’ll take a while longer. You have a choice. Do you want us to destroy your brain, or keep it running in the program?**

He isn’t sure at first.

**is komaeda okay**

The reply takes too long.

**He is alive.**

**then i want to stay here**

**  
**  
  
  
  
  


The Hope Cultivation project is discontinued. Kamukura is angry, Kamukura is hurt, but he can’t do anything. He can’t put any emotions into words.

Matsuda is dead. Class 79 is dead. The reserve course students are dead.

Kamukura makes a new goal for himself- make Junko suffer. Make him feel what he made him feel. He wants to make Junko feel regret.

He spends years not feeling anything. Years go by and he hunts SHSL Despair. One of them is named Chiaki Nanami and he feels some stirring inside when he sees her.

She just laughs, cries, screams at him. She knew him before he was Kamukura but he remembers nothing.

The 78th class is protected but something goes wrong. Junko dies. The students lose their school memories. Most of them die just like the student council.

Kamukura doesn’t give up. In years, when the Future Foundation is gathering the members of SHSL Despair, Kamukura joins them with what he salvaged of the Junko virus.

 

 

Hinata has a lot of restrictions. His programming limits what he can say, what he can do. His avatar isn’t all-powerful. He can’t break the rules of the program, whatever simulation is currently running. He’s lived on the technicolor island with Chihiro’s annoying rabbit teacher as his only company for years. He stopped getting messages from Matsuda a long time ago and he’s been alone since then.

It’s so quiet. He might as well be dead.

After years, he gets a notification that a new simulation is running. Fifteen new students in the healing program. Restrictions- he cannot mention the real world.

He’ll be physically unable to. The restrictions are set and he’s ready, ready to do his new job and help some damaged kids heal.

Terrorists. Young adults who killed dozens, hundreds of people. Memories altered, ready to rebuild their personalities.

Hinata is a healing program, and this is way more interesting than wandering the island alone.

When the simulation starts, bodies appear in the white sand of the beach. The bodies of terrorists, memories erased.

The first is Komaeda’s. Nanami lies to his left. Thirteen others Hinata’s seen before.

They won’t remember him. All he can do is wait for Komaeda to wake, and introduce himself again.

**  
**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
